I shake my head back and forth. “You’re sorry? That’s all you have to say.”
He groans. “I don’t know what else to say.”
I shake my head. “Unbelievable,” I mutter. “Maybe you could explain what the fuck happened and why you left, because I keep going over what happened and trying to figure out what I did, and I’ve got nothing.” I raise my hands and let them fall to my sides.
He rubs his hands over his mouth. “I don’t know how to do this.” He waves a hand at me.
I throw my hands in the air and shout, “What does that mean?”
He crosses his hands behind his head and inhales a deep breath before letting his hands fall to his sides. “I don’t know how to do this.” He waves a hand between the two of us. “I care about you, Nova. I’ve never had a girlfriend, let alone been with someone I care about. I purposely stay away from people I know to avoid …”
“Feeling anything,” I supply, defeated.
“Yeah,” he sighs. “It’s easier to not feel or get attached. You’re the most important person in my life, and I don’t want to lose you.”
I bite my lip, fighting tears.
I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.
“You’re going to lose me if you keep doing this to me,” I tell him breathlessly. “You can’t kiss me or touch me and then take it back. It doesn’t work like that. I’m not some plaything you can use at your whim. I’m not asking you to promise me forever,” I snap. “You’re the one making it complicated.”
He shakes his head. “You don’t get it,” he snaps, his anger palpable. “I can’t just fuck you like any other girl. With you it would mean something. Don’t you fucking get that? You’re not someone I can just walk away from after it’s done.”
“That’s exactly what you did!” I shove a finger into his chest.
He takes a step back. “I needed to clear my head before I did something stupid.”
“And by stupid, you mean have sex with me?” I shake my head. “You’re unbelievable.”
“I’m not done talking to you,” he says when I start to walk away.
I pause and glare at him over my shoulder. “Really? Because I am.”
I press the button for the elevator and he stands behind me.
“You’re not listening. I want to have sex with you so fucking bad, Nova. I’ve fantasized about it more times than I’d care to admit.” I will the elevator to come faster. His body crowds behind me and he lowers his head to my ear. All the oxygen is sucked from the room, just like it is every time he’s this close to me. “But if I fuck you, I’m going to want to do it again. You wouldn’t be a one-time thing. You’re like a drug to me and I can’t walk away even though I should.”
The elevator chimes as the doors open. I step inside and face him.
“I guess it’s a good thing I’m strong enough to walk away for the both of us.”
The doors slide closed on his stunned face and a sob finally breaks free from my throat.
I lean against the elevator wall, and I let myself cry, hating myself the entire time for feeling anything for him.
Jace
I guess it’s a good thing I’m strong enough to walk away for the both of us.
Doesn’t she get it? The last thing I want to do is walk away from her. I know I shouldn’t have left. I get that it was a dick move. But what I felt in that moment eclipsed every single emotion I’ve felt in my whole life.
It terrified me.
So, I fucking ran.
I let out a groan that sounds anguished and despaired. I’ve never been this torn up over a girl before. Nova’s important to me. She’s my friend, and she’s someone I love. I’ve grown close to her in the last year, she fucking lives with me, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose her. And I know if I do this, I’ll push her away, because I can’t be her boyfriend. I’m just not the kind of guy that can be someone’s boyfriend.
Am I?