One I’ll never share with anyone.
I push away my pain at that thought and begin to write.
Dear Owen,
I used to think I wasn’t the screw up my parents made me out to be.
I get good grades.
I care about people.
I’m kind.
I work hard and I love fiercely.
But I’m discovering that they were right. I am a screw up. I continuously do things I shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t like Jace the way I do, but I also shouldn’t have pushed him away, because now I’m miserable.
/> And when I’m sad I think of you even more.
Don’t get me wrong, I think of you all the time, you’re always in my heart, but it’s different when I’m sad.
Sadness makes me think of the what ifs.
And life can’t be spent dwelling on the what ifs. What ifs exist to haunt us—to tease us with possibilities of things we can never confirm.
I’m rambling now.
But this is my truth; I miss you, and I love you, and I think of you every day. I always will, until my very last breath.
Love,
Nova
I tear the piece of paper out of the notebook and fold it, laying it in the drawer with countless others.
Letters I have to write to cleanse my soul, but I’ll never actually send.
I burrow beneath my bed covers and turn on the TV. I think some mindless reality TV is exactly what I need.
I eventually drift off to sleep and I’m awakened sometime later by the sound of voices. At first, I think it’s the TV, but when I flick it off, I still hear the voices.
I quickly pick out Jace’s voice, but there’s another, and it’s distinctly female.
My body tenses, and I freeze in place, all my sense on high alert.
I hear the girl giggle and he says something low.
I feel like my heart is about to fall out of my chest.
Betrayal coats my tongue like a sticky syrup. I have no right to feel that way, I know. Jace and I aren’t together, and I’ve spent two weeks barely speaking to him, but he knows how I feel and that’s what hurts the most.
How dare he know how I feel and bring a girl back here. I’ve lived with him since May, and not once, in all that time, has he brought a woman here. I figured he was going to their places. After all, his room is open to the whole apartment.
I close my eyes and count to ten.
Their voices are still there.