“Nova, breathe,” I plead.
She shakes her head. “You’re on their side!”
I wince. “Never—I’m always on yours. Always.”
“He’s my baby! They can’t have them! He’s mine!”
“Nova,” I say harshly. “He’s my baby too. Do you think I want any of this?”
She sobs, holding him against her chest, his little head pressed into the crook of her neck.
“I don’t want it to be over,” she sobs. “I don’t want him to be gone.”
I reluctantly remove myself from the bed.
“Can I talk to you?” I ask the nurse, nodding toward the door.
She nods and follows me. I close the door behind us.
“Nova’s going to lose it if she has to watch you take him away. Please, give her some more time and I’ll get her to put him in the bed, and we’ll leave.”
Since Nova doesn’t have to stay overnight, she protested when the doctor brought up staying, so finally the doctor agreed she was safe to come home but to visit her tomorrow. I think this is the best course of action. She already had to watch one son be taken from her, she doesn’t need to have the same happen with another.
The nurse nods. “Okay. We can wait a bit longer, but she has to let him go eventually.”
“I know.” I clear my throat and repeat, “I know.”
The nurse gi
ves a pitying smile and heads down the hall. I turn back into the room.
“He’s not coming back,” Nova whispers. At first I think she’s talking to the baby about me, but I quickly realize she’s telling me about the baby. “I … I thought, if I held him, and he smelled me, felt me, he’d want to come back to us.”
She keeps breaking my heart—taking a battering ram to it and smattering it to a fine dust.
“It’s silly, I know,” she continues. “But I refused to accept this was real.”
“We’re still a family,” I tell her, moving toward the bed and sitting by her feet. “He will always be a part of us even if he’s not here.”
She nods and croaks, “I know.” But the tone of her voice sounds doubtful. “We have to go, don’t we?”
I nod. “I’m sorry.”
She looks down at Beckett. “It’s okay. I knew I couldn’t hold him forever.”
“If you could, I’d let you,” I promise her.
“You’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you?”
I let out a heavy breath. “You have no idea.”
She presses her lips together and looks down at Beckett, fresh tears pooling in her eyes. I hate seeing her like this and knowing I can’t fix it. A wound like this is irreparable. She nods to herself and hands him to me.
“Take him.”
I do before she can change her mind.
I cradle him for a moment, looking at him and memorizing his face.