I miss her smell on the pillows.
I miss her.
It’s as simple as that.
I grip the edges of the porcelain sink in my hands so hard my knuckles turn white.
I don’t know how to get her back when I don’t know how I pushed her away in the first place.
I let out a groan and lurch away from the mirror.
My anger weighs heavily on my shoulders.
In a matter of months I’ve lost everything that means anything to me. I can’t get Beckett back, but I can do something about Nova.
I just have to figure out what first.
I turn the shower on so the water will be icy cold. I want something to snap my senses awake so I can think.
I slide my boxer-briefs down and kick them away. I step into the shower and the cold water pricks my skin like little pellets of ice beating down on me.
Goosebumps prickle across my skin and I shiver.
I step fully into the spray and it drenches my hair. I press my hand against the wall and bow my head, letting the water beat down on me.
I feel lost, like I’m floating down an ocean of hate and despair and sadness and anger and every fucking emotion that’s awful.
I miss Nova so fucking much. I never thought it was possible to miss someone this much.
And Beckett?
Fuck.
It kills me I can’t see him, or hold him.
I’m never going to watch him grow up—to see what he would have become.
It’s devastating.
There’s an ache in my chest I don’t think is ever going to go away.
Losing a child is something no person should ever have to go through. It fucking rips you to shreds and you don’t know what normal is anymore. You feel helpless and lost and alone.
My fists clench at my sides and I groan.
I’m angry.
I’m angry for Beckett being taken away from us.
I’m angry for Nova pulling away.
I’m angry for her leaving.
But mostly, I’m really fucking angry for feeling like I can’t do anything about it.
I wash my hair quickly and get out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist.
I open the door and then step cautiously into the nursery.