Away.
Gone.
I stared at those white suds like they held the key to the universe.
I wished I could leave so easily.
Just disappear and cease to exist.
My fingers absentmindedly rubbed against the scar on my abdomen. I should’ve died, but I didn’t.
Miracle, the doctors said.
Curse, I chanted.
Most days the pain of my past was crippling. I’d learned to deal, but it didn’t make the memories any easier to bear. I’d lost my whole life in one instant—seconds was all it took to shatter my life, and I was the one to blame for it. I did this to myself. I was responsible for everything. At least I could own up to it unlike some people. I accepted what I’d done. I didn’t try to put blame on anyone else. Nope. This was all me.
My body began to shake as I cried.
In the safety of the shower was one of the only times I’d ever allow my emotions to get the better of me.
The water washed the tears away and the spray helped dull the sounds of my sobs.
I didn’t cry much about it. Tears didn’t solve anything. They didn’t have magical healing powers that made everything better. They didn’t erase the past, but sometimes I had to let them out.
Eventually I turned the shower off and stepped out onto the cold tile. It was brown and dingy. The whole dorm needed a good cleaning. Maybe after the pool party I could stop at the store and get some cleaning supplies.
Cleaning, like running, was good for me. It was mindless and numbing. It allowed me to focus on what was in front of me and not the horrors that haunted me every minute of every day.
I reached out and swiped my hand over the mirror, wiping away the condensation. My hazy reflection appeared before me. My eyes were red rimmed and purple shadows bruised the skin beneath them. I rarely slept these days and when I did nightmares haunted me. Well, not nightmares. Memories.
Memories were crippling.
In the last year I’d often wished for a magic wand that would erase my memory and take away all the painful things. The problem was everything was painful—the good, the bad, all of it.
I turned away, not able to take another second of looking at the girl in the mirror. I hated her and I didn’t want to be her.
I wanted to be someone new.
With a sigh I got dressed. Despite the last of the summer heat lingering in the air I dressed in ratty black jeans, a black t-shirt with a band name on it—a band I didn’t even know if I liked or not—and tied a checkered black and red shirt around my waist.
I lined my eyes in heavy black eyeliner—a shield from the world around me.
My dark brown hair curled around my shoulders.
I was ready to face the world, even if I didn’t want to.
I pushed open the bathroom door and found Thea sitting up in bed. She stretched her arms above her head and yawned.
“Morning,” she smiled brightly.
I nodded in acknowledgement.
“Are you still coming to the party?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. It would be rude to ditch her now and I was working hard at trying to be nice.
“I’m going to shower and go get something to eat. You wanna come with me?”