“I actually hated how much I was attracted to you. I didn’t want to like you,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to like anyone.”
“But you do.”
“But I do,” I confirmed, even though it hadn’t been a question.
“How much do you like me?” He asked with a boyish smile.
I snorted. “What is this, kindergarten?”
“Hey, I’m just trying to gauge my chances here.” He chuckled warmly. “I don’t want to push you too far, too fast. Something tells me you might punch me in the face.”
I frowned. This brought us back to the reason we were sitting here in the first place.
“How long has he hit you?” I asked hesitantly, afraid to pry too deeply. After all, he hadn’t told me about this. I’d found out by accident—which made me wonder, if I hadn’t walked out there would Cade have told me on his own?
“Since Gabe died.” He answered immediately. “Neither of my parents has handled their grief well…or at all. I’m actually surprised they didn’t end up divorcing. For a long time my mom just cried all the time, then she started putting Thea in pageants again, because that stopped for a while after the accident, and she got a little better. But she was very controlling. She wanted us all to appear as the perfect family. My dad turned to alcohol, and when he drinks, which is all the time, he gets angry.” Cade’s hand came up to mine, pulling the bag away from his face. He laid it on the counter and wrapped his hands around mine. “Regardless of all the shitty things that have happened in my life, I still think I turned out okay. The bad things don’t define us, it’s what we make of them that does. Turn a negative into a positive, that kind of thing,” he winked. “You know,” he reached up and cupped my cheek, then tucked my hair behind my ear so he could see my face, “I think you turned out okay too.”
I laughed. “Okay? If this is what you call okay I don’t want to know what you think is bad.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Rae.” He stood and put the bag of peas back in the freezer. He leaned against the refrigerator’s stainless steel surface and crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re a good person that had to deal with a tragedy.”
“A tragedy that I caused,” I countered. I wanted to shout, but I couldn’t risk his parents or Thea overhearing our conversation. “Everyone back home blames me for what happened, and they’re right to. It was my fault.”
His jaw tensed and his eyes narrowed. “Did I ask my dad to punch me?”
“No,” I answered immediately, wondering where he was going with this.
“You didn’t ask to kill your friends.” He stared at me, waiting for me to react to his words.
I sighed heavily, like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. “That’s different and you know it.”
“It was a fucking accident, Rae. An accident,” he repeated, like he was trying to drill the word into my head. “It shouldn’t have happened, but it did, and now you have to find a way to stop blaming yourself.”
I looked away. He was right. But how did you stop blaming yourself for something that you did?
“You said earlier that you wouldn’t want them feeling guilty if the situation had been reversed. It’s good that you could acknowledge that, it’s part of healing,” he continued. “And I’m not going to lie, healing is hard. It’s painful. It isn’t the easiest thing in the world, but you have to do it. I couldn’t have prevented Gabe’s death anymore than you could have stopped theirs.”
“I didn’t have to look at my fucking phone!” I screamed and slapped a hand over my mouth.
Cade’s face softened as I began to cry. He stepped forward, pulled me off the stool, and wrapped his arms around me.
I cried into the wall of his chest. “Some things…they just happen. There’s no explanation and no justice in them, but it happens anyway, because sometimes it’s just a person’s time. Gabe, he was only a little boy, but he died because it was his time. I had to get older before I saw that, but it’s the truth.”
“You’re saying that it was their time to die?” I cried, clinging to the fabric of his shirt. “I don’t know if I can believe that.”
“I believe it for you.” His lips brushed against the top of my head.
He pulled my face away from his chest and used his thumb to wipe away the wetness clinging to my cheeks. “Despite what you believe you are a Rae of Sunshine and I’m going to make you see that. I swear it.”
eighteen
I lay awake in bed, staring at the ceiling of the Montgomery’s guest bedroom.
After our talk in the kitchen Cade and I sat down on the couch and indulged in that Harry Potter marathon he’d talked about.
It had been nice...something a normal couple would do—although, we were far from normal and definitely not a couple. I’d enjoyed myself nonetheless.
I’d fallen asleep against his shoulder and when I woke his head was on top of mine. It had been sweet and I’d liked it more than I should have.