I looked around and shrugged. “Yeah, I can see that.”
“You think I’m crazy,” he chuckled, his fingers tangling in my hair.
“No, not crazy,” I snuggled closer, resisting the urge to purr like a kitten at his touch, “just passionate.”
“Passionate,” he mused. “I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone call me passionate before.”
“Really?” I asked, sliding down and stretching out my legs on the bleachers so that I could lie down. I rested my head on his thigh and he resumed stroking my hair.
“Yeah,” he nodded, looking out at the field. Smiling down at me, he added, “I think I like being called passionate.” He reached out and traced the shape of my lips. “I also really like kissing you.”
My cheeks warmed despite the cold. “I like kissing you too.” My heart fluttered and I felt like a little girl again, falling in love for the first time, where everything was still sweet and innocent and there were no complications. Clearing my throat, I asked, “How many girlfriends have you had?”
Cade’s jaw clenched and his eyes darkened.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled hastily, “I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“No, it’s fine,” he sighed, his breath fogging the air with a thick cloud. “I just didn’t expect you to ask that.” He looked away and seemed to be gathering his thoughts.
“You know there was only Brett for me and I just…I was curious,” I rambled, feeling the need to explain myself.
He smiled down at me then. “Don’t feel bad, Sunshine. Just give me a minute.” He looked out towards the field and took a deep breath. “There was a girl in high school. We dated from the time we were sophomores until it was time to leave for college. That’s when it all fell apart…” He trailed off. “She wasn’t happy when I told her I wasn’t planning to go pro. She argued that I ruining our lives. Throwing everything we could have away. She didn’t understand that I’m not that kind of person. I’m in it for the love of the game, not the fame.”
I sat up, leaning my head on his shoulder and reached for his hand. I gave it a small squeeze for reassurance.
“She said some things that were hard to swallow, and I kept trying to get her to see where I was coming from. But it became clear that she was only with me for the future I could possibly provide for her. She didn’t love me. She loved the idea of me,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I was hurt for a long time after that. She was my first love,” he smiled at me, “and I was a lovesick fool. For a long time I kept hoping she would change her mind. I heard from someone that she’d moved on to a guy that was due to inherit his dad’s millions. That confirmed to me that it was all about the money for her. After that, I dated here and there,” he shrugged, “but most girls were just like her. And the ones that weren’t didn’t hold my interest. To be completely honest with you, I fucked a few of them.” He mumbled, and I could see the shame etched on his face. “I hated myself for that, for using those girls for selfish needs. My dad might be an asshole, but neither of my parents raised me to act like that. So, I started keeping to myself.” He began to play with my fingers. “I hated the cocky jerk I’d become, so I changed.”
I lifted my head to look at him. “You changed? Just like that? I find that hard to believe and you acted very cocky with me,” I jested.
He chuckled and scratched at his stubbled jaw. “Do not mistake my confidence for cockiness. Big difference. Huge.”
I narrowed my eyes. “That sounds suspiciously like an euphemism.”
“Sunshine,” he winked, “I’m not one to be coy.”
I shivered and he moved to wrap his arms around me, bringing me close to his body. I inhaled the scent that was uniquely Cade and let it comfort me.
“I still don’t know what you see in me,” I whispered, my words carried away by the wind.
He lowered his head and tenderly kissed my forehead. “I knew from the moment I saw you that there was something different about you. I had to get to know you.” He paused, seeming to contemplate his next words. “I could tell that you were sad, and I wanted to know why, and frankly I wanted to make you smile.” Wrapping a strand of my hair around his finger he said, “But I really wish you could see how amazing you are, because then you’d never ask me that question. You’d know.”
I closed my eyes, exhaling softly.
Me, amazing?
I wasn’t amazing. Not even before the accident.
I was boring Rachael Wilder. My life was average. I was average.
“Do you ever think of them?” He asked suddenly, changing the subject.
“Who?” I asked, although I was sure I already knew.
“Your friends. Your boyfriend.” He cleared his throat and wiggled a bit, like he was afraid the question might set me off.
I looked up at him. “I try not to, but I think of them all the time. How could I not?” I babbled. “Sometimes I swear I can feel them around me.” I feared I might start crying. Talking about them was nearly unbearable. “I feel so horrible for what happened. I wish I could forget it—have some miraculous loss of memory, but I know that’s never going to happen. Getting away from home was the best thing that ever happened to me, because when I was there, I definitely couldn’t escape their presence. Their families made sure of that.”
I didn’t tell Cade, but Brett’s parents were the worst of them all. Since they lived beside my parents Brett’s mom made it a point to come around and let me know that she thought I was a murderer. Maybe that’s when I started believing it too. Hearing someone, especially an adult, say such horrid things about you can make you crack.