Rae of Sunshine (Light in the Dark 1)

I took the camera from him then and sat down on the blanket, going through photos. Cade leaned over my shoulder looking as well.

“Hey, you made me look good there,” he pointed to one.

I laughed, leaning against his chest. “That’s because you look good no matter what and you know it.”

He chuckled, lying on his back. “That’s true.”

I set the camera aside and curled my body around his.

We grew quiet and Cade stroked my hair.

“Are you ready?” He asked softly.

I stopped breathing and my heart skipped a beat.

It was time. I knew it. He knew it.

I had to take care of what I came here to do.

“Yes.”

***

Cade held my hand as we walked through the cemetery. My mom had told me where they were buried, so I didn’t have to search the headstones.

The closer we got the faster my heart raced.

I knew this was it.

The beginning of something new for me—a life without fear.

“I want to go alone,” I told Cade.

He nodded and released my hand. “I thought you would. I’ll be over here,” he pointed a few feet away.” I knew what he was saying, if I needed him he’d be close.

“Thank you.” I leaned up and kissed his cheek.

I gave him a reassuring smile as I headed to Brett’s grave. Hannah and Sarah were just as important as Brett, but he was the one I needed to speak to and say goodbye.

Kathleen and Cade might’ve given me that final push to gather the strength to come here, but I’d known all along that this was what I had to do. I’d fought the inevitable for far too long.

As I strode through the graveyard I took several deep breaths to calm myself. I could do this. I was strong and I would not break—not anymore.

I stopped in front of the grave, a choking panic overcoming me.

Brett, the boy I’d grown up and loved once upon a time was gone and what was left lay here beneath my feet.

I suddenly felt bad for not bringing flowers or something to leave for him.

I sunk to my knees, tears coursing down my cheeks as I reached out to touch the cold stone surface of the headstone.

“Hi, Brett,” I choked. “I’m so sorry it took me so long to visit. I’m sorry about a lot of things, actually,” I laughed humorlessly. “I’m sorry I stole your sweatshirt when we were ten and lied about it…I really wanted it.” I laughed, and this time it didn’t sound forced. I reached up and dried my face with the sleeve of my shirt. “I’m sorry for eating all of your cotton candy when we went to the carnival. I’m sorry for ruining your art project in eight grade when I tripped and fell on it. I’m sorry for making you pose for hours while I took your picture. On second thought I’m definitely not sorry for that. You know what, forget it, I’m not sorry for any of it. I’m not sorry for being your friend or for loving you. I am sorry that because of me you’re not here right now,” I sobbed, “but I wouldn’t take back any of the memories I have of you for anything. I’m thankful I got to have you in my life for as long as I did. I will always regret what I did, but I won’t let it rule my life anymore. I wish things were different, but wishing gets you nowhere. I know one day I’ll see you again, so even though I came here to say goodbye I was wrong. This isn’t goodbye, Brett. This is me telling you I’ll see you later.” I took a deep breath and stroked my fingers over his name. “I have to live my life and I know you’d want that for me.”

I sat there crying. There was so much more that I wanted to say, but I couldn’t find the words. I knew in my heart they were unnecessary.

I pressed my lips to my fingers and placed them against the headstone.

I stood up and dusted the grass off my jeans, before I walked forward and was met by my present, my future, my forever.