“Tell him yourself,” she said. I heard her hand him the phone.
“Ethan.”
“Uncle.”
“I’ve always wondered what I’d say to you when this day came,” he said as I put my ear piece in my ear and threw the phone to the side.
“And what day is that??
?
“Your wedding day. Well, I’m a little late on account of the fact that you threw that wedding without much warning, but luckily good advice never expires.”
“And how are you sure it’s good?” I asked, taking off my shirt.
“Because I’m happily married. So was your father and so was your grandfather. Obviously we got it right.”
“Very well, impart your sage knowledge if you must, but please not now. I’d like to get some sleep before someone else gets on my bad side,” I said, pulling off my shoes.
“So damn hardheaded.” He sighed as I heard what sounded like a bottle opening.
“Don’t you think it’s a little early for scotch?”
“Nope,” he replied, and I smirked. Obviously he wasn’t next to my aunt anymore. “Ethan, the secret to being happily married, no matter to what type of person, is losing.”
“Come again?”
“I know it must be difficult for someone like you, who’s done everything to always win. However, wives are different. They have the ability to let you know they are pissed even when they aren’t speaking.”
I paused, glancing at the camera in the upper room of my closet. “Have you been spying on me, Uncle?”
“No, why?” He sounded honest, which made me doubt him more. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is you will have no peace with an angry wife. Fighting is good, it’s healthy, makes for good sex too—”
“Goodbye—”
“However, there comes a point in every battle you must concede to defeat. Did you know Aunt Coraline thought it would be a good idea to go see the aurora borealis and sleep in a fucking tent? She hates tents. She fucking hates being in the forest. The last thing I wanted was to haul my ass up to the ice block that is Canada, to see the sky change fucking colors, on top of which listen to her bitch about how damn cold she was or how many bugs there were. She’d love it for about ten minutes and then want to leave. A younger me would have tried to explain this to her rationally. We’d fight. She’d ignore me for days until my blue balls and I gave in. We’d go to where she wanted and she’d do exactly what I knew she’d do and we’d spend time looking for a hotel. Thank God I’m no longer the younger me. I said, sure, honey, let’s go. She was all excited packing while I looked for a hotel. So when we got to the fucking ice capital of the world and she had her magical moment I was the hero who already had a hotel waiting. No blue balls. No fighting. Just us in a well-heated suite. Why?”
Because you’re a whipped bitch? I thought. But waited for him to go on.
“Because I lost the battle and won the war. There will be many moments you know to high heaven and back that you are right with evidence. None of that means shit to a pissed off woman and you’ll be dragged off to crazy land with them. In their minds you’re the dick who’s not getting pussy. So just lose. It’s easier. You’ll live longer.”
“Thank you for your wise advice. However, Ivy is different. She’s more rational—”
“Who are you talking to?” I heard my uncle Neal join him.
“Ethan. He believes his wife is different and rational.”
They both laughed, and I hung up. They should thank God they are family.
Dressed for bed, I walked into my bedroom and closed the blinds as the sun came up before walking over to my bed. I was just about to lie down when she knocked just as I knew she would.
Sighing, I pressed the button next to my desk table to open it.
“Glad to know you aren’t a—”
“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!” she hollered, throwing one of my own vases at me. It shattered over the bed and as the shards fell onto my bed I wondered two things. First, how the fuck did I think she was rational, and second, why the bloody hell were there vases in my room? Those were the only two thoughts I was able to have before she started to throw more shit at me and I was forced to dodge. “How the fuck can you just leave me outside!”
“I…” I ducked a book. “I told you to come inside!”