“And ears.” She held them out for me to see.
“All Nana did was show you pictures?”
“No, we went swimming again, and we walked Priscus and Verus, and we made cupcakes, but then Uncle Wyatt ate all of them before you could, Daddy!” She angry-squeezed the stuffed animal to death in her arms. “Nana said to forgive him ‘cause he’s sick,” she muttered. And she wasn’t pleased with that.
“You and I can make cupcakes later.”
She lifted her head, freeing the stuffed prisoner in her arms. “Really?”
“Of course. We’ll do everything together. But right now, lie down. I have a surprise,” I said, lying beside her.
But instead of listening, her head was over mine, all of her hair falling around her face. “A surprise, Daddy?”
“Yes, and you won’t see it until you lie down.”
She immediately plopped down next to me. And I pointed above her bed.
“I don’t see, Daddy,” she replied.
“Wait for it.” I reached back and pressed the button above her bed, and the moment the lights turned off, she gasped even louder than before.
“It’s fishes, Daddy!”
“Mommy said you can’t have real fish yet. So, for now, we’ll just have this,” I said to her, looking up at the projection of the sea life on the ceiling in her room.
“Thank you, Daddy! I love you.” She hugged my neck, squeezing as tightly as she could, her face brushed up against mine.
There was that pain in my chest again. “I love you, too,” I whispered, hugging her back. “…Daddy is sorry he wasn’t there before.”
“It’s okay. Daddy was sick! And Daddy is here now!” she said, letting go of me. Lying back down, she pointed above her. “What kind of fish is that?” She pointed to the tiny blue and orange fish that swam by.
I had no idea. But luckily, the thing came with an information package. “It’s called a Mandarin Dragonet. It’s a small-sized fish of very little weight. And they are found in the Indo-Pacific Ocean shore reefs, and lagoons. They are found mostly under dead corals or near the rubble beds of the ocean. They are usually found at depths of one to eighteen meters—” I paused, not sure if she cared or even understood a word I was saying. When I looked away from my phone, she was staring at me intently.
“Why did you stop, Daddy?”
“Do you even understand everything?”
She shook her head. “But Mommy says to ask questions at the end.”
“Mommy teaches you about fishes?”
“Mommy teaches me about everything. Sometimes I go to a church school, and they teach me, too. But I like it the best when Mommy does.”
“You don’t want to go to a regular school with other kids?”
“Mommy says I’ll go later!” She smiled. “Maybe when I’m seven.”
“So, she’s going to teach you all by herself?”
“Daddy is here.”
Did I have time to do that, though? Did she?
“Being gone in the beginning? What the fuck does mean? Where does the beginning start and end? No matter what, you missed your daughter’s life—"
My father’s words slipped into my ear like poison, and I gripped the phone tightly. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel the boiling rage within me.
“Daddy, keep going.” She put her hand on my face, and just like that, everything else faded away.