“I’ve been going to see a therapist once a week. I’ve been doing group therapy too. I was depressed…struggling for a long time but I never let myself see it. I tried to pretend it wasn’t there. Maybe I’ve been pretending most of my life.”
Oliver swallowed. He sure as shit hadn’t expected to hear that. There was truth to his words, though and as he looked at Matt, he noticed small differences in him. The way he sat straighter. The light in his eyes. “Is it helping?” he asked, even though he was sure it was.
“Yeah, Ollie. It’s helping.” He took another drink of his coffee, Oliver had a feeling, as a way to give himself a moment. “I’ve learned a lot about myself—losing you and admitting shit I tried to keep buried.”
“You didn’t lose me. I’ll always be your friend.”
“I did lose you, though, and that’s okay. It needed to happen. Fuck, I have always wanted you. Always. Even before we became friends when I used to see you with Chance and Miles. I wanted nothing more than to be a part of what they had with you. Wanted it so fucking much that I fought against you, against every action you made to try and be my friend, up until that day with the piano.”
The muscles in Oliver’s stomach spasmed, and his pulse kicked up even more as he listened to Matt.
“Then we became friends, and I wouldn’t let myself ever feel like I was enough for you. Jesus, you’re the best person I know. You’re music to me, like you live right here in my chest.” He patted his heart, and Oliver wanted nothing more than to pull him close. To tell him he was enough but he needed to let Matt do this for both of them.
“I think a part of me resented you because I knew you loved me. I’ve always known, but I didn’t understand why. I didn’t see how you could love me, so I fought against it. I’d falter and pull you close then distance myself again.”
Oliver cleared his throat. “And now?”
“Now I’m learning to love myself. I realize that I’m worth it—that my happiness is worth fighting for. I stopped modeling. I’ve been composing like crazy. I’ve been working on me, and I’m still a work in progress, but I realized I can fight for everything else, but none of it will ever feel like enough if I don’t at least try to fight for you too. Maybe that’s selfish of me. Maybe I should let you go, but you never gave up on me, Ollie. For years you’ve held on, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up on you this easily. I—”
“Shut up,” Oliver interrupted him. “Just shut up.” This was the Matt he knew. This was the Matt he’d always believed in. This was the Matt he’d always loved. The one he was damned proud of. “It’s always been you for me.”
“I’m so fucking gone for you, Ollie. It’s always been you for me too.”
Matt pushed to his feet; he wedged himself between Oliver’s thighs. Put his hand against Oliver’s cheek and then slid it over to rest on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.” He smiled at Oliver, and damned if he couldn’t help but return it.
“Better late than never,” Oliver replied. “Gone for me…I like it. I’m going to hold you to that, remind you that you said it every chance I get.” Jesus, this felt good. Hearing this. Having this.
“You don’t have to remind me. I love you. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember and if you’ll let me, I’ll spend every day of my life making up for the time we lost.”
But they hadn’t really lost it, had they? That was life. Sometimes shortcuts presented themselves but other times, you had to take the long way home. It didn’t matter how they got here; what mattered was that they’d arrived. This was their story, and it was better than anything Oliver ever could have written. It was real. It was theirs. And he damn sure couldn’t wait to keep on living life with this man by his side.
“There’s nothing to make up for. We’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. I love you too. Now, come here. I really want to taste you.”
Matt grinned, leaned in and gave Oliver his mouth. He tasted happiness on Matt’s tongue and knew Matt tasted it on his as well.
Oliver had always been the romantic. The one who led with his heart. He’d been battered and bruised but holding Matt, it was all worth it.
EPILOGUE
Matt sat beside Miles in their booth at Wild Side.
Chance and Oliver were on the dance floor, Chance having dragged Oliver out with him. Now that they were out there, though, Matt could tell his boyfriend was enjoying himself. He loved seeing Oliver have fun.