“Hey, Mum? Can I ask Helen round to come and see her?” Helen’s gonna love Cecilia. We can train her to follow us places. It’s gonna be great.
My mum’s head flops to the side. That means she’s going to say no. “Maybe another day. You don’t want to overwhelm the poor thing.”
“She’s not poor.” I feel upset now. “Cecilia’s gonna have a great life. I’m gonna take good care of her. Don’t you think I will?”
“I…I didn’t mean that, babe. It’s just an expression.” I don’t like expressions. People use that word when they’ve said something stupid. I think they say it to make me feel stupid instead.
“Can I take her to my room?” I don’t want to be downstairs anymore. I feel funny. I’ve got a weird heavy feeling in my belly and I’m starting to breathe faster. I’d never overwhelm Cecilia. I love her.
“Sure,” Mum agrees. “But bring her down regularly in case she needs to use the litter tray.”
Mum hugs me when I try to pass to get to the stairs. It hurts my skin, but I stay and close my eyes really tight until it’s over because I know how much she likes it. Upstairs, I sit on the floor, open the carrier, and let Cecilia come out when she’s ready. I love her so much already. When she comes over, sniffs my hand and tries to meow, I think she loves me, too.
“You’ll get the hang of it,” I tell her. She does it again. It’s a funny sound. Like air escaping from a balloon. I start to imagine how fun life is going to be with her. I can’t wait to see her grow. I can’t wait to find her waiting for me when I get home from school. I feel like I’m going to be able to tell her anything and she’ll never make me feel stupid. “Don’t listen to my mum. I’ll take the best care of you ever. I’m going to read every book I can find about cats. You’ll have everything you need.”
“Hugo!” Mum calls my name. She sounds far away and upset. “Thank, God!”
I’m sleeping, I think. I don’t remember going to bed. Why am I wet? “Cecilia? Come here, Cecilia.”
“Hugo…Hugo, wake up.”
It was the hands on my shoulders that jolted me back to reality. I could barely see when I opened my eyes, lashes dripping with raindrops, vision blurred from alcohol.
“It’s Helen, Hugo. Can you look at me?”
I shifted my eyes in the direction of her voice, saw her hazy figure kneeling in front of me.
“My, God, you’re freezing.”
Am I? Didn’t feel it. Didn’t feel much of anything. I was vaguely aware of Helen’s hands rubbing furiously up and down my arms but, mostly, I just felt tired.
“Can you stand for me?”
In my mind, I shook my head. “Just wan…sleep. L-let me s-sleep.”
“Fuck’s sake.” I’d made her angry. I made my mum angry. I made everybody angry.
Eyes only half open, I watched the shadowy figure shaped like Helen rise and back away. Keep going, I said…or thought. I don’t know if my mouth moved. She said something back, but I couldn’t hear. My eyelids were heavy. I didn’t fight them. I felt my chin drop to my chest with a bounce and it seemed like far too much effort to lift it back up. I just wanted to sleep again…but something stopped me.
“Time to go, brother.” Strong arms wedged themselves under my thighs and around my back.
“Fucking leave me…” I was sure I’d spoken that time. Coherently? Who knows?
“Yeah…can’t do that.”
Ezra. I was in Ezra’s arms. Great. He had me cradled like a fucking baby and I was too weak, too drunk to do anything about it.
“It’s okay, Hugo. We’re bringing you home,” I heard Helen say, her voice soothing, floating like an angel’s. I couldn’t see her, couldn’t see much with my head tipped against Ezra’s shoulder.
Home. What home? I didn’t belong anywhere.
Ezra carried me through the park and, at some point, I looped an arm around his neck. I don’t know why it suddenly hit me, maybe it was feeling the closeness of another human, or imagining how fucking pathetic I must have looked in that moment, but I realised how selfish I’d been…again. “I’m sorry,” I whispered into Ezra’s neck. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
He didn’t reply.
“Take your coat off,” Ezra barked when he stopped walking. Who else is here? “He needs warming up.”
“Shit, Hugo. What are you doing, huh?”
Drew. Drew! “Great. Wh-whole gang’s ‘ere,” I slurred as Ezra lowered me into the backseat of his car. I curled up into the seat, pulled Drew’s coat around me. Helen climbed in opposite me a moment later and that’s when something inside of me…broke.
She shuffled close, wiped something wet off my cheek with her thumb. I could’ve been crying or it could’ve been leftover rain. I still couldn’t feel enough to be sure.