Bring Me Home

Only, now Helen was here, her arms around my back, her scent in my nose…I suspected I’d always need her. Shit.

I took Helen out into the grounds. Impending autumn had put a chill in the air, so we sat by the patio heaters that overlooked the pond. “I bet it’s gorgeous out here in the height of summer when all the flowers are in bloom,” Helen said.

“I’m not planning on returning to find out.”

She laughed at that. “It’s good to hear you say stuff like that.”

“Feels good to say them.” I took her hand, laced my fingers with hers so I could feel her warm skin. “I’ve missed your hands.”

Her eyebrow rose. Cheeky. Mischievous. “They’ve missed you,” she said. “How’s yours doing?”

I nodded, positive. The tremble in my left hand had stopped. Hadn’t had so much as a twinge for the last four days. “The doctor feels confident it was only temporary. I’m sleeping better, too. Phoebe thinks it’s the acupuncture, I think it’s boredom.”

“You’re bored?” She looked genuinely baffled.

“There are only so many spa treatments you can take in a day.” I spent most of my time alone, either in my room or on the piano, notebook never far from hand. I was pretty shit at piano, but it passed some time. Although a fine instrument, nothing could ever overtake my passion for the guitar. As for the notebook, I’d filled countless pages during my time here, but I wasn’t sure the words would ever make it into song. Right now, they felt too raw. Too personal. They were pieces of my heart, wide open and bleeding on the paper.

Maybe one day.

“How’s Drew?” I asked. He hadn’t been to see me yet. I tried not to feel anxious about that but, as usual, I wasn’t very good at it.

“He’s good. Back in LA.”

That stung. “He is?”

“Work,” she said as if that explained everything. It didn’t, though. Not to me. Drew was my manager, sure. But we were so much more than that. We were friends. I needed my friends right now.

And then it clicked, from nowhere, like a bullet to my brain; that night invaded my mind. “He feels responsible.” I wasn’t sure if Helen knew about the kiss. I hadn’t told her, but Drew could have. Would he? It wasn’t a secret as far as I was concerned, not from Helen. I hadn’t done anything wrong. The fact we hadn’t discussed it was nothing more than that night was a jumbled, drunken nightmare that my brain had been trying to erase since the moment it’d happened.

“You’re not responsible for other people’s actions, Hugo.”

“So I keep hearing,” I said, frustrated. It wasn’t fair, the tone I used. Helen was innocent, as was Drew. “Sorry. He needs to know it’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

“I think…” She broke off, swallowed nervously. “I think he thinks…kissing you pushed you over the edge.”

“You know about that?”

“He told me right before I found you.”

“Right.” I squeezed her hand, blew a winded breath. “Don’t be too angry with him. He was drunk.”

“I’m not. Not anymore. He saved your life.”

I stared at her. Silent. Stunned. Grateful. I’d never get used to her surprising me. Amazing me. I never wanted to. “Does Stef know?”

“Yeah, according to Chrissie, who found out from Liam. He walked out, threatened divorce, came home the next day and all is forgiven. Apparently, again according to Liam, a day is the equivalent of three years in gay breakup time, so Drew was adequately punished.”

“So…many…questions.” I started laughing.

“If one of them is what’s happening with Chrissie and Liam, I have no idea.”

“I’m more eager to know where Liam got his experience in gay breakups.”

“I don’t think Liam needs experience to come out with half the crap he does.”

She made me smile. I missed Liam in that moment. I’d started to miss a lot of my friends, people I hadn’t really appreciated before. It was becoming harder to see how I’d let that happen. “Yeah. His elevator doesn’t quite reach the top floor, but he’s a great guy. Genuinely. In case you were worried about him and Chrissie getting together or anything.”

“Believe me, it’s Liam I’m worried about,” she said through a delicious chuckle. The laughter faded fast, though. “I’m so sorry, Hugo. I should’ve helped you.” She didn’t look at me as she said that.

I cupped her face, forced her to. I needed her to see the conviction in my eyes when I said, “There isn’t a single part of this that’s on you, Heli. Not one. I lied to you.”

Her lips wobbled, eyes reddened. “But…I think I knew. Sort of. There was just something I couldn’t put my finger on. When we were kids, I could always get the truth out of you, talk you into seeing someone. But…”

“But we’re not kids anymore,” I interrupted. “I’m a grown man, a stubborn man, who’s spent years trying to hide from this shit because it hurts to fucking face it. That’s on me, Heli. Me and no one else. A wise friend told me very recently…you’re not responsible for other people’s actions. You’re not responsible for mine.”