Use Me (Caldwell Brothers)

In the bathroom, I look at myself in the mirror. I look like I aged ten years in two months. Honestly, it feels like a lifetime since I last saw Angelo.

Like Gregory, he is gone, not a part of my life anymore. As much as it pains me, it’s truth and reality, both things I avoided when I fell for him.

Like a warm blanket on a cold Detroit February day, I wrapped myself in him. Now I am no longer in Detroit. I am in New York, a city I chose because of all the things I told the reporter today.

I will not let my past hold me back. I will face my future and try to once again find happiness in the newness of the day.

I open the cabinet under the sink to get a fresh roll of toilet paper, and next to it sits a box of tampons. The last time I had my period was the day after I left for Detroit. It’s not unusual for me to have light periods, or to miss a period during stressful times, but it’s been...

“Oh, God,” I cry as I cover my belly with my hands.

Chapter Thirty

Lying in bed, looking at that fucking spot while the mutt is pushing my hand with his cold wet nose, I am again annoyed by the fucking package.

I gave her every-fucking-thing she asked me for, yet she has the nerve to shove my nose in the fact that I was nothing to her? She asked for this. She did. Then she walked, both of us struggling with it so hard that I cut ties for her ability to Breathe Again.

Fucking book. Fucking love. Fucking shit; that’s what it is.

I get up and throw on some pants to go piss. When I walk out, Buck’s in my recliner, mouth gaping as he looks at the damn TV he bought that takes up the entire wall. He should have stuck with the old TV and bought his own chair.

I look away from him and at the TV, and my chest immediately tightens.

“What the fuck?” Buck grumbles, pointing at my dick. “You still claim you ain’t in love with that woman?”

“It’s morning wood, Buck,” I snarl while watching her smile and act like nothing is wrong in her fucking world while mine is turned upside down and inside out.

I don’t ask him, too, but he turns up the volume.

When I hear her speak, it fucking hurts my heart. When I see her smile, it hurts my soul. When I hear her say Annie will always love Jonathon, I want to fuck her to remind her who exactly Jonathon is.

After I piss and brush my teeth, I grab the leash and hook up Mutt. My head spins with rage, anger, want, desire, pain, and confusion as I run hard. Only halfway through the run do I realize Mutt didn’t even attempt to make this morning about him.

When we walk into the gym, everything goes silent. All eyes fall on me, and I know damn well they just found out who Tatum Longley actually is and what I was to her.

Jonathon, a muse, for a fucking book about love.

I swallow back my irritation, my embarrassment, and my fucking fury.

“You need the day, man?” Jagger asks as I walk around him, trying to keep this fucking routine.

Fucking routine... Hell.

“Need a what?” I ask, not looking at him as I grab my shake from the fridge.

He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I lose my shit.

I grab him by the neck and slam him against the wall. “Keep your fucking hands off me!”

“Kid,” he says with eyebrows raised. “You’re the one who needs to get your hands off me.”

When my grip tightens, he swings with his left arm, hitting me in the side of my head.

“Jagger, no!” Tatiana screams as Buck grabs me and pulls me back before I can swing back.

“Take a fucking walk, man. This ain’t you. Jagger’s a dick, but this isn’t about him,” Buck says. “It’s about her.”

“Get your fucking hands off me, Buck, or you’ll be fucking out,” I snap, pushing him away from me.

Jagger steps between us and shakes his head. “Fix your head and don’t come back till you do.”

“Fuck you!”

“Please don’t...” Tatiana cries. “Please don’t do this.”

Jagger bares his teeth at me as he pulls Tatiana into his arms. “I’m sorry, little one, so sorry.” He drops his head to her neck, and I realize it pains him to lose the calm he has worked so hard to claim.

I understand. My calm is long gone, too. My everything is fucking gone, vanished, and I don’t really give a damn about getting anything back.

Tatiana pushes back to get space from Jagger and looks at me with tears in her eyes. “You love her, you fight for her, not against your friends.”