Fear (Gone 5)

“They’re both powerful, sure. But they don’t have the kind of power that moves other people, you know? Brianna’s cool, but she’s not someone who other people follow. Same with Jack. More so with Orc.”

“You notice something about the ten people you named?” Astrid asked. Then she answered her own question. “Four of the ten have no powers or mutations.”

“Irony?”

“And Diana’s importance isn’t about her power. It’s about her baby. Diana Ladris: mother.”

“She’s changed,” Edilio said. “So have you.”

“Yeah, I’m a bit more tanned,” Astrid said evasively.

“I think it’s more than that,” Edilio said. “The old Astrid would never have just disappeared like you did. Wouldn’t have stayed out there all on her own.”

“True,” Astrid acknowledged. “I was… I was doing penance.”

Edilio smiled affectionately. “Old-school, huh? Like a hermit. Or a monk. Holy men … women, too, I guess … going off to the wilderness to make peace with God.”

“I’m not a holy anything.”

“But you made peace?”

Astrid took a deep breath. “I’ve changed.”

“Ah. Like that?” Her silence was confirmation. “Lots of people, they go through bad times, they lose their faith. But they come back to it.”

“I didn’t lose my faith, Edilio: I killed it. I held it up to the light and I stared right at it and for the first time I didn’t hide behind something I’d read somewhere, or something I’d heard. I didn’t worry about what anyone would think. I didn’t worry about looking like a fool. I was all alone and I had no one to be right to. Except me. So I just looked. And when I looked…” She made a gesture with her fingers, like things blowing away, scattering in the wind. “There was nothing there.”

Edilio looked very sad.

“Edilio,” she said, “you have to believe what’s right for you, what you feel. But so do I. It’s hard for someone who has had to carry the nickname ‘Astrid the Genius’ to admit she was wrong.” She made a wry smile. “But I found out that I was … not happier, maybe; that’s not the right word.... Not about happy. But … honest. Honest with myself.”

“So you think I’m lying to myself?” Edilio asked softly.

Astrid shook her head. “Never. But I was.”

Edilio stood up. “I have to get back out there.” He came to stand beside her, put his arms around her shoulders, and she hugged him, too.

“It’s good to have you back, Astrid. You should get some sleep.” He nodded. “Use Sam’s bunk.”

Astrid felt weariness rise up and almost close her eyes where she sat. A nap. Just a brief one. She made her way to Sam’s bunk and flopped down.

The bed smelled of salt and Sam. The two smells had always been connected in her mind.

She wondered who he had found to be with. Surely someone by now. Well, good. Good. Sam needed someone to take care of him, and she hoped he’d found that.

She felt around, looking for a pillow. She hadn’t had a pillow in a long, long time, and now the idea of one seemed incredibly luxurious.

Instead of a pillow her hand touched sheer, silky fabric. She pulled it to her and ran the fabric against her cheek. She knew it. It was her old nightgown, the filmy white thing she used to wear back in the days when she didn’t need to sleep with her clothes on and a shotgun nestled to her breast.

Her old nightgown. Sam kept it with him, in his bed.

TEN

34 HOURS, 31 MINUTES

“I’M GOING TO risk some light,” Sam said.