But through the day it had eaten at her. This feeling of uselessness. A feeling of uselessness made so much worse by the growing realization that she needed Sam. Not because they were up against some threat. The threat was mostly past now.
She needed Sam because no one had any respect for her. There was only one person right now who could get a crowd of anxious kids to settle down and do what needed to be done.
She had wanted to believe that she could do that. But she had tried. And they hadn’t listened.
But Sam was still nowhere to be seen. So despite everything it was still on her shoulders. The thought of it made her sick. It made her want to scream.
“We have to go out, Petey. Walkie, walkie. Let’s go,” Astrid said.
Little Pete did not respond or react.
“Petey. Walkie, walkie. Come with me.”
Little Pete looked at her like she might be there and might not. Then he went back to his game.
“Petey. Listen to me!”
Nothing.
Astrid took two steps, grabbed Little Pete by the shoulders, and shook him.
The game player went flying across the carpet.
Little Pete looked up. Now he was sure she was there. Now he was paying attention.
“Oh, my God, Petey, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Astrid cried and reached to draw him clos
e. She had never, ever shaken him before. It had happened so suddenly, like some animal in her brain had seized control of her and suddenly she was moving and suddenly she’d grabbed him.
“Ahhh ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh!” Little Pete began shrieking.
“No, no, no, Petey, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do it.”
She wrapped her arms around him but she could not touch him. Some force kept her arms from making physical contact.
“Petey, no, you have to let me—”
“Ahhh ahhh ahhhh ahhh!”
“It was an accident! I just lost control, it’s just, I just, I can’t, Petey, stop it, stop it!”
She ran to retrieve his game. It was warm. Strange. She carried it back to Little Pete, but for just a moment her step faltered. The room seemed to warp and wobble around her.
Little Pete’s frantic shrieks snapped her back.
“Ahhhh ahhh ahhhh ahhh!”
“Shut up!” Astrid screamed, as confused and unsettled as she was furious. “Shut up! Shut up! Here! Take your stupid toy!”
She stepped back, stepped away, not trusting herself to be near him. Hating him at that moment. Terrified that the enraged thing inside her head would lash out at him again. A voice inside her rationalized it even now. He is a brat. He does these things deliberately.
It was all his fault.
“Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh!”
“I do everything for you!” she cried.
“Ahhh ahhh ahhh ahhh!”