Beau’s room was upstairs, across the hall from mine. I managed to get him into his bedroom, nearly as out of breath as he was before I laid him on his bed with the Milky Way bedspread and began setting up the machine and the medicine.
“Stay calm, Beau. Just a moment.” I inhaled deeply and exhaled deeply until Beau followed along.
“It’s. Okay. Ma. Ma. Mom.”
That wheezing sound broke my heart. It wasn’t okay, none of this was okay. Beau was a sweet little boy who didn’t deserve this terrible problem. If I could, I would take on this burden for him. I put the mouthpiece between his lips. “Okay, now breathe.”
He inhaled deeply several times before his body began to relax. His eyelids slowly slid down, a sure sign that he was feeling better. His attacks were never easy for me either. They drained my energy for the rest of the day. I’d read all about status asthmaticus. Every day I worried that one of his asthma attacks would be fatal.
His eyes were shut and his breathing had returned to normal, slow and steady even though it was still a bit wheezy. I brushed his hair from his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
Now it was time to meditate. I needed to relax. Get my good juju back.
If I was being honest, meditation hadn’t been working this past week. I constantly felt on edge and no matter how much I meditated, communed with nature and tried to instill inner peace, nothing worked. Not even my pot-laced homemade granola. Or cornbread. There was something in the air; it crackled with electricity and tension. I didn’t know what was up, but I knew it was about to change everything.
Everything.
Trudging downstairs, heavy with fatigue, I was brought up short by the man standing in the middle of my living room. Scowling at me.
“Cross, what are you doing here?”
“A better question is why in the hell is your door wide open?”
While I appreciated his protectiveness, I did not appreciate his tone. “What business is it of yours? Do you always just walk into people’s houses without an invitation and yell at them?”
“The open door was the goddamn invitation! What if I was the asshole in the yellow and black car?”
I hated that he went there because the same thought had just flashed in my mind. “We both know he wasn’t looking for me.”
“It doesn’t matter. You can’t leave your door wide open like that, Moon!”
I sighed and dropped down on the sofa, exhausted. “You don’t think I know that, Cross? It’s not a habit.”
“Good, because it’d be a pretty fucking stupid one!”
He was testing my patience and I’d worked hard to keep it in check over the years. I couldn’t believe I was almost in tears. “Well next time my son is in the middle of an asthma attack, I’ll stop to lock the door so Cross doesn’t get all bent out of shape.”
He sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry. Is Beau all right?”
“He’s fine. I did the breathing treatment right away and now he’s fast asleep.” I pinched the place on my nose between my eyes, willing the tears not to fall.
“Good,” he said on a sigh and dropped down beside me. “How are you holding up?”
“Really? I’m not. His attack terrified the hell out of me and then some big bad biker came in my house and yelled at me.”
“Shit, I’m sorry to make things worse but…hell I’ve just been so worried lately.”
“Welcome to my world.” I took a deep breath. I didn’t want him to see me crying, see me weak. I was supposed to be Zen. Calm. Collected. “Want to meditate with me?” My question shocked him but he masked it quickly.
“I don’t know, do I?”
A laugh escaped me and I stood, nodding my head for him to follow. “Come on.” I felt his presence behind me and I willed my body not to react to his nearness. “We won’t do a full on meditation, just some breathing techniques.”
“Breathing? Sounds like yoga to me. Are you going to put on that badass purple outfit?” His skepticism wasn’t surprising, but it amused me.
I smiled. “Come on and sit down.” I led him out to the backyard but not before locking the front door. “Cross your legs and close your eyes. Now just relax and focus on your breathing. Listen to your breathing and nothing else.”
“Not even you?”