Window Shopping

No. He’s more than that.

He’s Aiden.

And…I’ve never felt like this. Never had these fluttering fingers of sensation in my belly over anyone. Or this hot-cold tremor in my knees. As I step into the elevator and hit the down button, I’m worried I’ll burst into hysterical laughter at any moment and freak out the other passengers. But oh my God, my body. What did he do to my body? Inside and out, I’m a mess of shivers and hormones and need. I actually need him.

His hands. His voice. His mouth. His weight against me. Above me.

I let the bow tie fool me, didn’t I?

When he told me he could be downright rough, I didn’t fully comprehend his meaning. Or maybe I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn’t. This man just yanked up my skirt in public, touched my body like he’d been studying it his whole life and growled at me. Possessive things, jealous things that should turn me off, but oh lord, they don’t. The fact that a skilled lover is lurking beneath the surface of this buttoned-up gentleman has skyrocketed his appeal to the moon and I’ve been carried along with it. I’m without gravity. Floating.

I loved his fingers inside of me. Every brutally wild second. Loved his jealous words in my ear, especially because he’s so conflicted over them. It’s bad but he can’t help it.

He’s going to rock my world tonight, isn’t he?

Dammit.

When I step out of the building downstairs, Aiden is waiting at the curb, leaning against the side of his black town car. A muscle leaps in his cheek when he sees me. Without coming up from his lean or taking his eyes off me, he opens the back door and nods for me to get inside. It’s such a smooth move, the panties are almost incinerated straight off my backside.

Oh man, I like this. I like that Aiden came here for me. That he told Braxton to get lost and now he’s bringing me home. This man thinks about me in his spare time and changes his plans to include me. The boys in my memory made any time spent together seem like an accident. Almost like they didn’t want me to get the wrong impression that they cared. While Aiden…he’s the epitome of care. And for some reason, he’s decided to offer the warm security of his presence to me. He’s offering me a relationship. A constant.

More than once, he’s stated plainly what he wants from this, from us. My impulse is to give it to him. To march into human resources and check the right boxes, cross the T’s and dot the I’s. But that would put me all in. I’d be invested. More importantly, I’d be telling Aiden I’m invested—and I have barely started investing in myself. I’m just starting to find my sea legs. The world is this massive place without the prison walls keeping me penned in. Every day, I’m trying to walk the same path, hoping it will wear into a permanent walkway. A constant.

But it hasn’t yet. Not completely.

Everything is still foreign. This version of me is foreign.

Last time I was free to make my own decisions, most of them were bad ones. Now I’m supposed to believe I can just magically be this person who makes the right choices? That I can just step into this role of a professional? A girlfriend?

And Aiden…I know he senses the uncertainties in me. That he wants to be my knight in shining armor. I can’t let him. I can’t take advantage. But maybe if we can just…explore being together quietly for a while, someday soon I’ll be healthy enough to be my own knight. Healthy enough to sign my name on a dotted line beside someone like this.

Like Aiden.

The man who is currently sliding into the rear leather seat beside me, twining our fingers together. Asking for my address, then giving it to Keith. I catch a glimpse of the driver’s face in the rearview mirror—and he’s definitely battling a smile. But he reaches up and presses a button to raise the partition and once again, it’s just me and Aiden, my cheap puffer jacket pressed to his expensive knee-length winter coat, his height and size making me feel almost dainty in comparison. And when he presses a firm thumb to the pulse at the small of my wrist, it’s like he’s touching me everywhere at once.

We both watch as I cross my legs tight, tamping down on the free fall below my belly button. Both of us let out a shaky breath.

“Traffic isn’t bad going downtown,” he says, tracing a slow circle onto my knee with his middle finger. “We should be there in less than ten minutes.”

My nod is jerky.

Ten minutes.

Then I can turn my mind off. I’m not going to think about paperwork or how I couldn’t possibly be the right person for this man. I’m not going to speculate on what Nicole would say about my shaky new life. I’m just going to let myself feel, let myself get lost and ask questions tomorrow. Or the day after that. I’ll know when I get there.