Head Over Feels

She types, but then her fingers still. “You’re working too much, Rad. I can tell you’re burned out.”

“You are, too.”

“No, I leave well before you do. Sometimes, I actually leave on time. Other nights, you practically push me out the door. When you do, it gives me time with my boyfriend. We go out, to the movies, to a Broadway show, or stay in, but I have downtime. You left the office after ten and were back there before seven. That kind of schedule isn’t sustainable.” She looks at me thoughtfully. “I know you want to make partner, but does it have to come at the expense of everything else?”

I finish my espresso, keeping my eyes fixed on the plain white cup . . . plain, like my life. Thinking of the cabinet at home, what once represented me and my orderly life, now represents the color and humor Tealey’s brought to it.

Ashleigh’s not saying anything I don’t already know. Reaching beyond the job description to voice her concerns, she has me seeing the situation in a new light. I shift in the chair, and say, “I want to make partner. It will come at the expense of my personal life. I’m willing to sacrifice that in the short term. But even if I chose not to, we need to reevaluate our case load.” I sit forward. “The last thing I want to do is burn you out in the process. I can’t go it alone.”

Her smile is tight, but she nods. “I’m here if you are.”

The server sets the check on the table. She’s quick to slot it in the credit card machine, and hand it back. We’re left alone. When I sign the receipt, I set the pen down, and say, “Everything will work out just how it’s supposed to.”

She pulls her purse onto her shoulder, her smile still barely deviating from a straight line. “I hope that one day you find a reason to leave work behind, to even skip out of work early, a reason to make you smile again, and most importantly, that you get everything you’ve ever wanted, and it brings you the happiness you deserve.”

Her words hit me with a dose of reality, though I play it off by tucking the chair under the table. She sees through the façade I thought I was so masterful at projecting, but there’s no judgment. Ashleigh knows I’m going to pursue my goals to the fullest, and I appreciate her support.

Greatness comes from personal sacrifice. My father lives by that motto, even today. He gave up my mom and two other wives. He gave up me. That’s his legacy, though he’d claim otherwise.

He’s alone now.

But is that what I want? Is that how I want to end up in life? Working hard only to have no one to share it with? Fuck, am I having a quarter-life crisis? No. This is my life. It’s normal to be doing this, and often alone. Isn’t it?

“You’ve isolated yourself in a lot of ways since graduation . . . I get that you’re busy and want to make partner to break some record at the firm, but are you happy?” Cade’s words ring in my ears.

Happiness will come later. Now . . . now is about winning cases and moving up the ladder.

Greatness comes from personal sacrifice. Live with it, Wellington. This is your life.

16

Rad

Is it wrong to wake up early in hopes of spending time with Tealey?

So much has spun on its head since Tealey moved in with me. When I get home, no matter the hour, she’s waiting for me on the couch with popcorn or some other snack that hits the hunger spot so we can watch an episode of Ted Lasso together. She could binge through the first season, but I love that she waits each night to watch one episode with me.

We text each other throughout the day just to touch base. When I manage to get home before dinner and have time to give her a heads-up, she has ingredients spread across the island, and we cook together. From spaghetti Bolognese to her family’s take on shepherd’s pie, everything tastes better when we’re doing it together. The food is delicious as well.

If we’re too tired, we go out or order in. It’s never a big affair. It’s the two of us spending time together. Just how I like it. Beats how I used to work all hours or how I spent my free time preparing for the next day. I’m now driven to get as much done as possible at the office.

We still go to our weekly dinners or brunch with the others. I probably spend too much time hoping to catch her eye from across the table. When I do, she smiles and winks at me.