Head Over Feels

Taking a seriously deep breath, I pull her hands from her face and am greeted with mortification. There’s nothing I hate more about Tealey Bell than seeing pain or shame in her expression. I swore I’d never be the cause of it, and I stand by that.

Before I have a chance to say anything, she says, “I’m not embarrassed that I just blurted that out, but I am embarrassed at how you’re looking at me.”

She shifts her weight like she’s going to get off me, but I hold her hips with my hands.

I’m not sure what to say—my mind is still reeling from her unexpected admission. I just need a moment to get myself together because I need to choose my words wisely from this point forward.

“I didn’t mean to ruin things,” she says, swallowing hard. Her gaze falls from me while her fingers torture the sheets by twisting them.

My heart both aches and swells. I hate that she thinks she just ruined things. But at least I can fix that. “Look at me, Tealey.” When she finally works her gaze back to me, I add, “We made love last night and just had pretty intense sex. Emotions are running high because we’re still undefined. You don’t need to question my intentions. I’ll tell you where I stand. I’m right here with you. I . . . I’m not quite ready to talk life plans, but . . .” I swallow down any jaded feelings and look at this woman on top of me.

This is like a daydream and a nightmare all rolled into one. Tealey’s admission is a game changer—a life changer, actually. It’s the one thing I didn’t think I’d ever hear her say, nor is it anything I ever thought I’d consider. It doesn’t feel wrong, not at all, just quick. And with so many things between us undecided—Marlow, my promotion, Cammie and Cade’s wedding shenanigans, and the newness of this whole damn thing—I just feel unprepared. And being unprepared is the worst sin in my book.

Still, losing her isn’t an option, even if I’m not sure what the endgame is.

I stroke her hip with my thumb.

“I want to be your boyfriend,” I tell her, “for now, until we get our feet under us and figure this out. What do you say to that, Tealey Bell? Will you be my girlfriend?”

The morning sun has wrangled free from the clouds, and the rays through the glass halo her soft, blond hair. Although her face is shadowed, I see embarrassment slipping away from her delicate features. “Do you mean that?”

“I mean it. I have no doubts whatsoever. You make me happy, and I want to do the same for you.” I sit up and caress her shoulders before leaning in and kissing her.

She licks her lips when we part, and then says, “I don’t question your intentions.”

“I didn’t mean to imply you didn’t trust me. I know you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.” I can see the questions mounting in her expression, and fuck, if she needs to get things off her chest, I’ll let her. “But you’re wanting to know how I see things in the long term?”

“Not just with me but in life. How do you see your life? Where do I fit in? How do I fit in your life, in your home? And to throw more honesty your way . . . I stopped returning my real estate agent’s calls last week. I’ve felt guilty for that, but I needed a break from the disappointment of not feeling I could afford something that you’d approve of. I haven’t told you because I thought you might get mad.”

“There’s no expiration date on you staying here. And here’s some honesty for you,” I say, tapping her nose. “I like you being here, so don’t settle for a place because you feel there’s an imaginary deadline or you think you’re in the way. You’re not.” The softness of her skin beckons me, and I rub along her leg, resting my hand where it meets her waist. “I want you to find a place that feels like home.”

Like my place. I leave that unspoken between us. It may be how I feel, but I need to hold on to logic, not emotions.

“That means more to me than you know. Thank you.” She buries herself in my arms.

“As for marriage,” I start, but my throat clogs around the last word, and I have to cough to dislodge it. Understanding her need to know what we are and what we’re doing is relatable. It’s something I think about and have fallen back on just friends as a means to an end. But it’s not an answer to the question. It’s an opportunity to think beyond today. “We’ve been friends for a long time now, and even though it does seem premature to have this talk in some respects, I understand why we might need to. We’re not new to each other. We’re in the dead center of the marrying age. It’s all around us and even closer because of Cammie and Cade.”