So very impossible.
I only had my dad for seventeen years, and in the eleven he’s been gone, I’ve idolized him, memorialized him—to an apex I can never reach, no matter how high I ascend.
You’ll be as good of a father, Nine.
I won’t. I could never.
You will. Because you’re mine. Hearing what he’d tell me—it breaks me. I turn my head.
“Kits?”
I pinch my watering eyes. “I’m fine.”
Banks has a palm on my back.
Sulli holds my hand, and I don’t know why now—but grief just punctures me. Legs nearly giving out, I squat down and bury my face in my palms.
“Shit,” I choke out, and they don’t slug me for the curse. “I’m sorry…”
Banks squeezes my shoulder. “What are you apologizing for, man?” He has crouched beside me. Sulli is knelt in front of me.
“We all shouldn’t be on the ground.” My voice is hoarse. “And I’ve brought us here.” Pressure won’t escape my chest.
“You miss your dad,” Sulli says quietly. “You can be sad about it, Kits.”
“It’s been forever. I need to get over it.” I press my eyes harder, wanting to scream the grief away.
“You know how many times I’ve wished that?” Banks tells me, and I drop my hand. Our gazes connecting with a depth that barrels into me. “I used to think memories of my brother were like shrapnel, and if I just extracted each one, the pain would be gone, but then he’d be gone. And no matter how much I hate Sky, I loved him, and I realized I’d rather be in pain than lose any memory.” He cups the back of my neck.
Now I’m crying. Crap.
Shit.
Sulli squeezes my hand.
I squeeze tighter.
“Fuck,” I curse out loud, weight crushing my lungs. Banks is right. I could stop thinking about my dad. I could just push back his voice and forget what he’d tell me. What he’d caution me to do. And then maybe I’d stop encountering this seven-ton feeling.
But then I’d stop encountering him.
“What was he like as a dad?” Sulli wonders. “You don’t have to answer if it’s too fucking hard.”
She’s sweet to ask.
I think of him. I picture him slapping down the brim of my baseball cap, then lifting it up. I see his benevolent smile and his hand that opens to a Swedish Fish. “Playful. Thoughtful.”
Feeling this pain, I’m compelled to just close off. Say goodbye. Be the best dad that I can be. Not one who’d bring Banks and Sulli to the floor with me. I feel selfish in my emotion. Especially while Sulli is pregnant.
Shit.
I rub at the tear streaks on my face. “I’m okay.” I inhale. Exhale. Inhale.
“Positive?” Banks asks like he knows I need another second.
“Yeah.” I’m already standing up.
He slips me a hard look with the shake of his head.
I slip him one back. “I’m fine.”
“Alright.”
Sulli and Banks are on their feet with me.
“We’re a fucking mess,” Sulli says, rubbing her nose on the bottom of her shirt.
“Hey, we’re put-together,” I say. “Stronger than ever. Resilient.” And yeah, I’m not staring at my blotchy face in the mirror. I’d rather fling myself out of this reality and into the one I want to be true. “We can do this. The three of us.”
Banks cracks a fleeting smile. “Give-no-fucks Akara is drunk on hope.”
“Akara 2.0, baby.” All I want is to keep the three of us together.
“Baby,” Sulli sighs heavily, remembering the biggest issue at hand. “So what if it’s not a mistake? To have the baby?”
I let out a breath. “Then you have the baby. We’ll handle the security risks.”
“No one can know while she’s at the Olympics,” Banks tells me.
100%.
Her pregnancy has to remain a secret. “Only her family and security know now, so it shouldn’t be a prob—”
“Can we forget about security for like one fucking second?” Sulli interjects and kicks the yoga ball away. “Because this is so different than when I took Plan B.”
Banks goes rigid.
I try to read his face as she says, “We don’t know the dad, and what happens when one of you realizes you’re not the biological father?”
My stomach somersaults. I’m terrified of a scenario where Banks isn’t the dad. I love this triad. I love what we built here, and I know what it feels like to lose it.
We’re all equals, but if the baby is mine and Sulli’s—I don’t want that to change how Banks feels towards us. Like he’s on the outside of the picket fence and looking in through the window. I want him to stay.
But just like he couldn’t make me stay. I can’t make him.
“We’re together as a family. All three of us,” I tell Sulli and also Banks, in case he needs to hear. “It doesn’t matter who the biological dad is.”
“Yeah, I think Akara is right,” Banks says. “Right now that doesn’t matter as much as your health and the baby’s health. We can deal with everything else when it comes.” He nods to Sulli. “So what do you say? You wanna have this baby, mermaid?”