Hawk winces. “I mean, fair. Harsh. But fair. Can I ask you something ?”
I nod .
“What was it like here? When… Matt was alive ?”
My eyes go wide. “What do you mean ?”
“I guess I just want to imagine what things were like here when everyone was happy .”
I raise an eyebrow. “Who’s says we’re not happy ?”
Hawk tilts his head as if I’ve just said something ridiculous that he can see right through. “Parrish… I’m not saying everyone is miserable and moping around. But you have to admit. Matt was the heart and soul of this place. It was his life. I don’t even think Dad loved it as much as Matt did. And the one thing I’ll always regret more than anything is that I never got to see him working here, doing what he loved .”
I brush a stray piece of hair out of my face, and force down the urge to cry. “Everything was wonderful. He was so full of joy all the time, and he practically filled everyone else with it. He would have complained about the build, but secretly, he would have loved it. All he ever wanted was to make this place the best it could possibly be. And it wasn’t about the awards, or the money. It was about building the best ranch he could for his family. He was so excited about Gracie.” I have to stop talking, because I feel like I’m going to burst out in tears. Hawk takes a bite of cake and nods .
“I’m sorry he never got to meet her. He would have loved her. She’s quite the little spitfire. Just like you .”
I laugh and brush a stray tear away from my cheek. “Sometimes I think you’re right. And sometimes, I look at her, and I see so much of Matt. When he… when we lost him, I thou
ght for sure I wasn’t going to be able to go on. It didn’t feel like any of us were going to survive. But then Gracie got here, and she breathed new life into the place. She gave us a reason to keep going .”
“I’m glad. And for what it’s worth, I really am sorry I wasn’t here for you guys. It’s not an excuse, but I just have no idea how to deal with pain, or grief. I’ve never been very good at it. And the only thing worse than dealing with my own grief would have been trying to help all of you through yours. It’s a shitty excuse, I know. But I hope I can try to make up for it now, in some small way .”
I don’t look up from my cake and milk. I just watch the little beads of water on the edge of the glass trickle down to the counter, thinking maybe if I focus on them, I won’t let myself break down. I want him to stop apologizing to me. I feel like every conversation we’ve had since he got here has involved him apologizing to me for… something. I want it to stop. But at the same time, I am pretty sure I’ve earned every one of them. I don’t know how much time passes before I’m able to get control of my emotions again, and I opt to change the subject .
“Do your brothers know you’re here? I didn’t even think to ask before.” I ask before I take a long gulp of bilk .
Hawk snickers. “I called them. Jasper is staying behind in Colorado with some friends. Mason said he’d be back next week. I have no idea where Carter is .”
Through a mouthful of cake, I mumble, “Carter is in Costa Rica.” I swallow. “Do you not know what he does in his spare time ?”
“Obviously not,” Hawk says with a grin .
“He started a rescue organization, Wild Hearts. He travels to South America, the Caribbean, all of the States, and he buys horses that are injured or considered too old, and in danger of being put down before their time. Then he finds them new homes, or places where they can live out their lives in safety. Your fathers thinks he’s wasting his time, but the organization is getting some really good press. One of those women’s movie channels even approached him about making a romance movie based on him. Jasper and Mason were all over him about it .”
Hawk laughs so hard, milk almost comes out of his nose. “Are you serious? I mean, the rescue organization is amazing. But can you imagine a rom-com about Carter? Has he ever dated someone for more than a week ?”
I shrug. “Matt was outlier among the McCormick boys. You fellas … aren’t the settling down type, apparently.” I try to hide the wistfulness creeping into my voice, both for Matt, and for what could have been, had Hawk not left me that night in the stable. Hawk can see it .
“Parrish, I …”
“What are you kids getting into down here? Don’t you know what time it is? Ooh! Cake !”
Anna’s voice startles both of us as she pads into the kitchen, her fuzzy pink slippers and flannel pajamas covered in roses making her look like a little girl. She yawns as she opens the fridge .
“Why are you awake, Short Stack?” Hawk asks as he pulls out a stool for Anna. She brings the whole cake out of the fridge and starts eating directly from it, and I just roll my eyes as I pull it away from her and cut a proper slice. She sticks her tongue out at me .
“I was watching a movie and then I wanted a snack. Sue me. I’m an adult now, Hawk, whether you realize it or not .”
“She says as she talks to me with a milk mustache,” Hawk says with a laugh .
I stretch and look at the grandfather clock in the breakfast nook. “I should get back upstairs. I have an early morning meeting with Russell about starting the build and I need to get Gracie to her school .”
“I can take Gracie,” Anna says with the fork in her mouth .
“Are you sure? She needs to be dropped off at seven-thirty ...”
While Anna and I are hashing out the details of getting Gracie to school, I see that Hawk is watching me, nervously. I finally turn to him and shake my head .