So why did my heart fall into my feet when he presented the ring? He was down on his knees; it should have been a slamdunk as far as he was concerned. And I was so young, only twenty-one years old. My brain was telling me that my dreams had come true, but my body was telling me to run. Run as fast as I could to get away from Jeffrey. Instead, I did what a good girl does, and held out my left hand, fingers spread, as the tears rolled down my face. Of course Jeffrey figured I was just overwhelmed by the feelings of being proposed to, but deep in my core I knew I was crying because I was betraying my deepest self.
I pull the blankets tighter around me even though it’s not cold at all in the room. The truth is that I’m scared. I don’t know how to handle the feelings I have for Kanen. The interest he has in me. I don’t know how to handle anything anymore.
Six
Kanen
“Yeeeee haw!” yells one of the cowboys, and another jumps up and sprays beer on his head. A red-haired girl with breasts like watermelons jumps in between them, rubbing her tits against the guy’s shoulders and laughing up a storm.
I’m sitting in the corner, the roomful of good old boys all whooping it up. To be honest, I’m not really into this huge party right now. At one point in my life, not so long ago, I’d be the first one leading the charge, a girl on each knee, just teasing myself with the thought of having sex with them, before I let them take me off so they could have their way with me. Or even just do it right there in front of everyone. What did I care? It’s part of being a star.
I can’t count how many times the girls who showed up at the door of the after-party made a beeline toward me, and whispered something filthy in my ear. There was always one grabbing my biceps, another sliding her hand underneath my belt buckle, one in the front and one in the back, just ready to give me anything I wanted. And up until recently that’s been just fine by me.
“Hey handsome,” says a blonde sitting down beside me. Speak of the devil, I guess.
“Hey there.” I don’t even look at her; in fact, I couldn’t give less of a damn about this girl. And after seeing Canada’s shiny dark hair, I’m not sure I even like blondes anymore. Canada’s got a natural beauty where this girl is all artificial. Her fake boobs are pushed up to her neck, as exposed as they could be in a plaid shirt tied underneath her bra line. It’s like she’s on the young Dolly Parton-lookalike committee. Nothing against Dolly; she’s a great woman, but there’s only one of her.
“And how are you tonight?” she tries, and on cue her hand slips underneath my bicep and she rubs her face against my shoulder, before leaning into it chest-first. “You had a great night on that bull.”
“Uh-huh,” I mutter, looking anywhere but in her direction.
“You know what? You’re special. The way you ride that thing, I’d like to see how you’d ride me.”
I guess it isn’t her fault. But the anger is starting to rise. “Bulls aren’t things,” I say flatly. “They’re noble animals.” A lot more noble than this skank right here.
She looks taken aback. “Of course not,” she hastens to say. “Very noble. But still,” oh no, I think she’s going to try again, “it was really sexy to see you control him like that.”
“Well that’s where you’re wrong,” I say, and take a long swig of beer. I finish the bottle and slam it down on the table. Everyone is looking now, but I don’t care. “I don’t control him, and he doesn’t control me. We ride together. We’re part of the same team, me and him. I got a lot more in common with him than I do with you.”
“I guess I just thought you and I could really get along,” she says, trying to mollify me. It’s not working.
“Hey, Kanen,” says Joe, one of the other cowboys. “Take it easy, she’s not trying to do you no harm.”
I stand up. My body is telling me to punch him, but I can’t afford any trouble with the cops. There’s been too much of that in the past and I’m trying to go in another direction.
“My apologies ma’am,” I say through gritted teeth. I tip my hat to her and I walk out of the room, straight out the door, and into the balmy black Texas sky that holds me together. It’s the only thing that I can do right now. I don’t even know Canada’s real name, where she lives, who her daddy is, nothing. But I want to get to know all that. I just gotta figure out how.
Seven
Chastity
It’s my first day training at the bar, and I’m ready to take on the world. I just hope I can concentrate, what with Kanen dominating my thoughts every minute. I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of last night fantasizing about being with him. It’s okay, I tell myself. Fantasy is not reality. It’s all right to just think about someone. Look, but don’t touch. It’s easy!
Lacey is standing with the other waitresses when I walk up. They take one look at my outfit and they all shake their heads.
“What?” I ask. “What?”
“Well,” starts one, “it’s what you’re wearing.”
“What’s wrong with it?” I look down at my T-shirt and jeans. “It’s all black, just like I was told. Isn’t that the dress code?”
Lacey pulls me aside, and lowers her voice to a whisper. “It’s just not... very sexy,” she says. “Sorry, I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?”
“What to wear!” says the girl who broke the news in the first place, in an exasperated tone. “Look, I might have something extra, and really cute, in my bag.” She cracks her gum. “Anyone about the size of Chastity here?” Another eyes me appraisingly. “What size are you?”
I don’t answer right away. Aren’t I wearing the dress code? Nobody told me to dress sexy! “I dunno, a medium?” I finally say in a small voice.