What If

They both look at him, and he gives them a crooked half smile.

“What the fuck?” Derek addresses him.

“You two aren’t that good at this.” My informant smacks his lips against his teeth. “You should probably find a different line of work after you get out.”

I’ve had my guy on them since the day of the arrest. I’m the enemy on the street, but I’m fair. I’ll cut a guy a break if I think it’s deserved, and I know how to use my position to get my job done. That doesn’t mean I also don’t know how to play the game. Earn respect and make sure I’m always owed a favor.

“You ready to give your statement? Corroborate our evidence? Make sure everything I’ve said here today comes true?”

He nods and grins, clearly loving the power he has over these two losers. And I can’t say I blame him. I reach for my phone and pause.

“One call. I’ll have this place crawling with cops and a warrant for your house. A warrant for your girl’s arrest. Oh, and to top it off…” I look at Derek. “A warrant for your little brother who just so happens to be carrying right now. Where is he?”

I look at my informant who smirks on his answer. “He’s with his baby mama and the kid at their house. One big happy family.”

“My little brother doesn’t even know what’s going on,” Derek spits.

“That’s not what I hear. I’ve got a few witnesses saying he’s selling out the back window of the house. Doesn’t matter if it’s true. He’s there. There’s product in the house and witnesses ready to give statements. All in all, I’ve got enough shit stirred up for you both that some of it will stick and it’s going to spray around and hit anyone and everyone you care about. On the other hand, you give your statements. You both clear Jessie. And I’ll help you make a deal with the D.A. Say you both cooperated. Otherwise, it’s war, my friends. Collateral damage to you and yours and I don’t give two shits.”

Chapter 14

Jessie

As much as Mitchell tried to prepare me for today, everything that’s going on feels like electroshock therapy.

From the moment we pulled away from Heather’s house, pins and needles prickled my skin, and I jump every time someone speaks.

“Jessie.” Heather reaches over and puts her hand on top of mine on my knee. “I’m right here. I wish I could take it all away. But know, no matter what, Mitchell and I are here for you. Every step, we aren’t leaving until the very end.”

I turn my palm upward and entwine my fingers with hers. I see Mitchell glance in the rearview mirror at us sitting in the back seat of his Mercedes, and he gives me a slight smile.

The feeling of indifference and numbness that has helped me through the time since I left his office yesterday is gone.

Replacing it are all the feelings I’ve pushed away. All the feelings I wish were locked in a truck at the bottom of the ocean somewhere.

“Thanks.” I force a tight smile to Heather who looks so desperate.

“Are you okay?” she asks and in between the three simple words I hear the real question.

Am I going to lose it?

Am I going to hurt myself?

Is she going to be left with the guilt if I manage to do something that I can’t undo?

“I’m good,” I reply Because saying “I’m fine” won’t work.

You have to say something different. Everyone knows that “I’m fine” is bullshit.

It’s code speak for “I’m about to come undone. Nothing is fine. Everything sucks, and we all know it, but there’s nothing we can do, so let’s just wrap up all the horror in a quick ‘I’m fine,’ so we can all go about our day thinking we’ve done our due diligence in asking if someone is okay.”

“Have you heard from him today?” Heather asks with a nervous flicker in her eyes.

“No. Not today. Mitchell asked for it all to be kept as quiet as possible. I’m fairly sure he doesn’t know. It’s for the best. I don’t need him showing up. I couldn’t bear it.”

I haven’t received a text from Torin since last night. I still haven’t replied to any of his messages over the last two months, and it’s better for us both. I can’t have the weight of ruining his life on me. That would push me into the abyss and some holes there are no ladders tall enough to crawl out of.

I know. I’ve been in them.

Still, there is a part of me that wonders why he’s not messaged me.

I know he’s connected, and even though Mitchell and the D.A. are fairly tight, and he asked for my deal and the details of it to be kept as quiet as possible, there’s this little girl inside me that has this dream of Torin riding in on a white horse and sweeping me away. Making this nightmare disappear and we wake up together right where we left off in the middle of a field of bliss.