I nod. Because that’s exactly what I want to know. I expect Baden has an idea, and I expect the management and coaches have an inkling based on talking with his doctors, but the rest of the team doesn’t know.
And I am his friend. I want to know what is in store for him because I need to know how to be there, to be present with the right kind of support. It’s what Baden preached to me six weeks ago over beers in New York.
“I’m not going to be getting back on the ice,” Baden says, and I don’t detect an ounce of pity in his tone.
But I’m stunned by this revelation. He’s a walking miracle, and I’d assumed there would come a day when he’d be back to a hundred percent. He’s been working so hard, I just imagined it was for an achievable end-goal, but I didn’t know how long that would take. “Really? But you’re doing so great.”
Baden sits up a little straighter and crosses his forearms on the table to lean forward. “Will I walk again without these braces and crutches? Absolutely. Will I put on a pair of skates and glide around the ice? You bet. Will I have the reflexes and dexterity to play professional hockey? It’s a one-in-a-million shot, Riggs, and I’m usually not a gambling man.”
“You’re not even going to try for that one-in-a-million shot?” I ask. Because honestly, there is some benefit in accepting what the future holds.
Baden grins at me. “Of course, I’m going for that one-in-a-million shot. Going to continue to work my ass off. But I also know that it’s not likely to happen, and I’ve come to terms with it. If it doesn’t happen, it’s not going to be because of my lack of trying. It’s simply going to be that my body will have reached a limit I can’t push past. And if that happens, I’m okay with it.”
I study my friend across the table, someone who wasn’t my friend a month and a half ago. But I am amazed by the peace he seems to have found. “Do you regret it?”
Baden blinks at me in surprise. “Saving that woman?”
I nod. Because Baden has been hailed as a hero—saving a woman’s life and most likely terrible degradation of her body—at a significant cost to himself.
“I regret it every damn day,” Baden says truthfully, and once again I blink in surprise. I had not expected that level of honesty. But then he shakes his head and smiles meaningfully. “But every damn day, I don’t regret it either. Those moments of regret are fleeting and only a product of when I might be feeling sorry for myself. It’s bound to happen. So if you ask me in totality, I would do the same thing again knowing what I know now. But I’m human… and there are times when I wish I hadn’t.”
I don’t believe in my entire life I’ve ever been subjected to such brutal transparency, nor have I ever respected anyone more. “I’m only going to say this once, and if you ever repeat it, I’ll deny it, but you are kind of an amazing fucking guy, Baden.”
Baden waves his hand, an exaggerated motion of shyness. “Oh, stop it… you’re embarrassing me.”
We laugh, because it’s funny, and also to shake off the heaviness of the conversation.
“Enough about me,” Baden drawls, settling back into his chair. “What’s been going on with you?”
“Not much. I took Janelle to a concert night before last. Some pop princess I’ve never heard of. It was torture, but she had a great time.”
“You’re a good brother,” Baden says.
I fill him in on how Janelle has been doing, particularly with her new school. She seems to have blossomed and is finally living with some true happiness. She still works at Clarke’s store in the afternoons and stays with Veronica when I’m on road trips.
And the mere thought of Veronica has my brain focusing on her, which happens more than I care to admit. Right now, I can’t help but ponder the fact that I’m going to her place tonight. It’s been three weeks since I fucked her on her dining room table, and we’re hooking up every chance we get.
The nature of our relationship has changed in that I don’t need provocation to want to have sex with her. She doesn’t need me to insult her to get turned on. We’ve mutually agreed we like being in bed together, so we’re going with it.
Sometimes I’ll go to her house after a game rather than go out with the guys. Sometimes I’ll go to her place as soon as I get off the plane from a road trip, if she’s available. Most often, our hookups are during the day when she has a break from school and I don’t have practice. This allows me to keep my evenings free for my sister.