The doctors are disappointed. We are in this business to save lives, not lose them. But, when it comes to guns and angry people, it rarely goes well. Like I said, we don’t see a lot of gun violence here, so when the victims come in, it’s a race against time.
“Are you okay?” Alex asks me quietly as she sees the emotion getting to me. “That must have been hard.”
I shrug one shoulder. “No harder for me than anyone else, I suppose.” I smile thinly.
She shoots me a curious look like she knows something I don’t. I furrow my eyebrows wondering what I missed.
“You didn’t hear the last name of the victim? It’s something, Landon. Isn’t that your criminal boyfriend? I wondered why you seemed so calm in there. I was a mess for you!”
“L… Landon?” My knees buckle. “Ted? I didn’t get a good look his face when we were working because there was so much blood and everything was moving so fast.”
“I don’t know, I didn’t really look either.” She leans down with me and pulls me in for a hug. “Once I heard the name, I was more focused on checking in on you.”
The knot in my chest gets even tighter. Ted is dead. When he walked out on me, I had a feeling that I wouldn’t see him again, but I didn’t think that I would find myself working on him after he was shot, and I didn’t even know. I might have worked harder, faster, insisted that the doctors did more… not that they could have.
“I should have known,” I whisper. “A gun shot… after the life that he lived… it makes sense…”
“Doesn’t make it any easier though, does it?” Alex doesn’t tell me that she warned me about this, instead she comforts me in the way that only a best friend can. I don’t know what I would do without her. “I’m so sorry, Chloe, but I am here for you. Whatever you need.”
“I need to see him.” I bobble to my feet. “I need to know for sure, Alex. I can’t… I have to…”
“I don’t think you should do that.” she warns me, but typical of me, I shake my head and refuse to listen to her again.
“You don’t get it, Alex, I need to,” I half sob. “I have to know if it was him…”
“I get it,” she reassures me. “I will come with you. You know this isn’t going to be easy. Chloe, you put yourself at risk for him. I mean, the guy got shot and you had him living at your house. You’re lucky to be alive.”
Lucky to be alive. God, isn’t that the truth. If it were a couple hours earlier, I would have been with him and gotten shot as well. I can’t believe I loved someone that was so careless with my safety.
I let Alex lead the way. I don’t think I could do this without her. As soon as I’m inside the room, I feel the chill of death around me, and I immediately regret my decision.
“Oh God.” My heart stops beating the moment that I see the body lying still. Too still. I don’t want to see, but I have to know. “Oh my God, Alex.”
I cling to her hard, probably too hard but I need her more than ever right now.
“I’m sorry, Chloe.” she says softly.
“That’s not him.” I shake my head hard. Just the way that I have seen many people in denial do a million times. “Alex, that isn’t him. That’s not Ted. I’m telling you, it isn’t… that’s Mr. Landon. That’s Ted’s father.”
I collapse to the floor, my knees giving out from the relief I feel that it’s not Ted, but the sadness that it’s his dad. Ted’s father was always a big part of my life when we were younger, and now he’s gone. He came to help and paid with his life.
“Shit.” My palms smack the floor as I fall forwards. My tears fall for Ted and his mom.
I can feel myself falling apart. Alex tries to lift me off the ground, she really does, but it’s too much. I’m a mess.
“Let me take you to the break room,” Alex whispers to me. “Let’s get you out of here. When you are ready, I can take you home, you aren’t even supposed to be here right now, you got off hours ago. I’m off now too. I can stay with you if you don’t want to be alone. Whatever you need.”
I nod numbly but I know that the best thing for me tonight is to be by myself. I need space to let my emotion out. I don’t want Alex to worry even more. But right now, I don’t know if I can make it as far as the break room, never mind anywhere else. If I didn’t have Alex holding me up, I would probably have stayed on the floor in the morgue for days, instead we slowly make our way back to the break room.