“A friend?” I echo, wondering what this means. “That’s what I need to be? Just a friend?”
“Oh, absolutely. Anything else will be too much pressure for her. She doesn’t need that stress right now. Poor girl doesn’t need to be analyzing her feelings and trying to work out how she feels about her father’s death. She just needs support.”
I blow out a breath of sadness, although I am relieved for the advice because at least now I won’t do the wrong thing. I won’t try to force any kind of relationship on her when it isn’t the time or place … but I can’t help but feel like the timing when it comes to me and Jill is always wrong, isn’t it? We keep getting ripped apart by tragedy like this.
“Thanks, Mom,” I reply heavily. “I appreciate everything. I will stay. Support her in whatever way that she needs and leave her alone when she asks me to. I’ll call you tomorrow if I get the chance, and let you know how Jill is …”
“Just make sure that it isn’t so late at night!” Mom insists. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t thinking. Sorry about that. It won’t happen again. Love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Garrett, very much. I’m proud of you as well for doing such a nice thing for Jill.”
We say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone, before falling back on the couch to try and get some rest. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep now, especially after what happened today. It was supposed to be a happy time where Jill and I talk about our future. I can’t push this.
I can’t complain though, not when I think back to how I acted after Sadie died. I couldn’t stand the idea of being with anyone, talking to anyone, or anything of the sort. It was too much for me. So now that will be Jill. If anyone can understand that, it’s me.
“I have to be a friend,” I tell myself, trying to adjust to that. “I might always have to just be her friend. If fate, or whatever, doesn’t want us to be together so badly, then that’s all it might ever be.”
Fuck, that’s going to be hard. I don’t know how I can cope. Knowing that the woman I love more than anyone else in the world will never be mine…
“Fucking fate,” I mutter angrily to myself.
Chapter 23 – Jill
I open my eyes a couple of times before I finally accept that it’s time to wake up. I’m not ready to face the day, but then I don’t think that I will ever be ready. Of all the things that I was expecting to face coming back here, it wasn’t losing my father. Now, I’m an actual orphan. I might be twenty-two years old, but I still don’t want to not have any parents. I haven’t had my mother for a very long time but losing my dad as well… it’s too much.
“Oh God,” I groan to myself as my hand claps over my eyes. I want to block the light out forever. “God no.”
I curl up in a ball, rolling myself around my aching stomach. This must be what grief feels like. I don’t remember it being like this with Sadie, but then again, I don’t remember it being like anything. It’s all pretty much blocked out. Maybe I was just as broken back then, but I ran.
“Are you awake?” I practically jump as I hear Garrett’s voice ringing through my bedroom. He’s here… of course he’s here. I remember now. He turned up at the hospital and brought me back here. He must have stayed.
“Garrett?” I don’t even worry about the state that I must be in as I push myself in to a sitting position to see him. I have to blink a few times because looking at him is kinda hard. “You stayed over last night.”
“I did. I hope that’s okay. I don’t want to overstep my mark or anything, I just want to make sure that you are alright. Obviously, you’re upset, but if you want me here… or not… I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Er, right.” I rake my fingers through my messy hair trying to see through the fog in my brain. Right now, I have absolutely no idea. “Thank you, Garrett… erm… I don’t know…”
“I’ll make you a coffee.” He smiles sadly at me. I feel like Garrett can see how much I’m suffering. “Or tea, what would you prefer? Sorry, I don’t know what to do.”
“Tea with two sugars, please.” I nod fast. “Thank you, I appreciate it.…”
As soon as he vanishes from my sight, I rush into the shower and clean myself off. I kind of expect to feel better when I’m done in the shower, but I don’t. If anything, I feel worse. I might be clean and more awake, but my dad is still gone. He’s gone and never coming back.