My Heart's Desire (Barrett 1)

Because she was stubborn, she had every intention of changing that opinion.

This could very well be the biggest challenge of her life. The thought amused her and encouraged her to rise and face the day. She hesitated. Face the day, perhaps, but not Drake. She still felt too close to the emotions of last night. Well, he had ordered her to stay below. For once she would obey him.

She climbed out of bed with a grin on her face. It appeared that her father had been wrong, after all. Within a few short hours she had acquired the ability both to submit and to obey. Apparently marriage was reforming her.

The smile left her face abruptly as her gaze fell upon a small stain of blood on the stark white sheets, a vivid symbol of last night’s passion. Alex closed her eyes, feeling a bit ill. She remembered the girls at boarding school whispering about blood being part of the “first time”, but idle gossip and blatant reality were far removed from each other. Alex ached for a woman to talk to, someone who understood.

It seemed that no matter where she was or how far she ran, she was alone.

Hurriedly she washed herself as best she could with water from the pitcher and a soft cloth. What she really wanted was a bath, but she was far too embarrassed to ask for one, especially now. The whole crew would be aware of why she was making that request, and that would mortify her. So she shivered through her cold and thorough dousing, then dressed in one of the simple gowns she had acquired in York. She dragged the soiled sheets from the bed and was frantically searching the room for clean bedding when a knock sounded at the door.

“Who is it?” she called, desperately seeking a hiding place for the soiled sheet.

“It is me, my lady,” Smitty called back.

Without thinking Alex hid the sheet behind her back, clasping it tightly in both hands. “Come in, Smitty.”

He opened the door, his kind face filled with concern for her. “Are you all right, my lady?”

Alex gave him a bright smile. “Just fine, Smitty.”

His curious gaze darted to the stripped berth, then back to Alex. “Captain Barrett asked me to check and see that you are well and comfortable.”

“Oh, yes, very,” she assured him, wondering why she hadn’t had the sense to cram the sheet beneath the bed. Now she was forced to stand like a ninny in order to spare her maidenly sensibilities.

It took Smitty a minute or two to comprehend what was amiss. Then, suddenly, awareness struck him like a great untamed wave.

Carefully schooling his features so as to appear ignorant of Alex’s dire predicament, Smitty continued.

“The captain also asked me to reiterate his desire for you to remain below during this part of our journey.” At her typically rebellious look he added, “It is for your safety, you know.” At her nod he turned back toward the door. “I will see that some food is brought to you at once.”

“No!”

Smitty stopped in his tracks at Alex’s vehement refusal. “My lady?”

Alex moistened her lips. “I mean … no, thank you, Smitty. I will be ready in a short while and will go out and eat with the men.”

“If you are certain … ?”

She nodded emphatically, praying for him to leave. Her arms were aching from their cramped position behind her back. “I am certain.”

“Then I will go topside and allow you your privacy.”

“Smitty?” Despite her discomfort, she had to know of their plight. “Has there been any incident with the Americans?”

Smitty shook his head. “No, my lady. All has been quiet thus far.”

She gave a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. Where are we located now?”

“We have traveled much of Lake Ontario. Thanks to the winds, we should be nearing Kingston by morning.” He saw her shift uncomfortably and took pity on her. “I must return to the quarterdeck, my lady. If you will excuse me?”

Alex tried hard not to show her relief. “Oh, of course, Smitty, I understand.”

Smitty laughed all the way up to the main deck.

Nighttime arrived and with it came a startling realization: Alex wanted her husband.

She had spent most of her daylight hours in thoughtful solitude, alone in her cabin. When she became restless, she passed the time talking with the men and cleverly beating them at whist. But in the back of her mind she kept wondering where Drake was and whether it was merely a coincidence that they hadn’t seen each other all day.