It feels like I’ve taken a step in the right direction. An important one.
***
Tuesday, fifteen minutes after I got home from work, there was a text from Ray. That was what started the audibility of the already ticking clock for me because reality smacked me in the face. Two more days until he was back. I had just that one text from him, zero phone calls until then. The text:
“Hey babe. My flight is in Thursday night at 6:30. Please pick me up. Trip is going great. See you then. Love you.”
I replied.
“See you Thursday.”
Nothing else came in after that. I didn’t have to be fake-nice or anything, either. It struck me as strange.
He’d gone there last Thursday night and didn’t even try to reach me until Tuesday and only reached out because he wants a ride.
It’d been a relief, though, as I’d had almost five full days without hearing his voice. I was living. Working. Working out. Reading, watching TV, just – being. Being me. Not the me I used to be, but better than the me I was last week. So much better.
His stuff was all packed up in my hall closet in three boxes and one and a half garbage bags plus his tool chest. That was the extent of his belongings. The rest of the contents of this apartment are all mine. I even repaired the two holes in the walls with some spackle and sanded them like a pro with plans to paint when the next part is done. I’ve got more plans for some extra redecorating, too, when I’ve gotten ahead financially.
The next part… ending it. That was what I was now trying to figure out… the how-to.
I mean, I told him it was over already; I’ve told him twice. He just ignores it and bulldozes over me.
I’ve got to find a way to make him realize I mean it.
And then once it’s over, life will resume for me. I feel like I’m in limbo until then.
I’m aching for the time when I can do what I want, be responsible for only myself. No one hassling me about what to cook or not cook for dinner. No one spending my money. The whole bed to myself. Nobody shouting, criticizing… I can hardly wait.
The simple freedom this week of being able to take a walk and window shop. Being able to drive my own car to work instead of sitting on buses. I even treated myself once to a stir fry at my favorite takeout place and I went to the library and borrowed some books. I read every night with no interruptions and sleep in the middle of the bed with all the pillows. I’d changed the sheets and my bed no longer smells like him. It smells like vanilla fabric softener – the vanilla fabric softener that he complained about. But I love it and have gone without because he doesn’t. I used double in the bedding load.
Nobody makes a mess.
No one shouts at me or makes demands that are impossible to meet.
The amount in my (new) bank account won’t change unless I spend it. No more NSF fees when he spends money that’s earmarked for something else. No more money disappearing because of free trials he set up and never bothers to cancel. Any bullshit with that joint account is no longer my bullshit.
I switched my credit card bills and utility payments to my new account and my bonus paid my car loan payment on time. I’d be on time for rent too and can finally pay more than the minimum payment on my credit card. I still have four hundred dollars at work in a locked desk drawer, just in case when he gets back he somehow gets his hands on my new bank card or tries to bully and take it from me.
What will I say to him?
I can pick him up at the airport with his belongings and ask him where he wants to be dropped off, making it clear he’s not coming here.
I can spend a chunk of what’s left of my bonus and book a hotel room for one night and drop him off there with his stuff.
I could not pick him up at all and when he calls, tell him his belongings are in the hallway. I could ask my superintendent to change the locks. The lease is in my name only, so maybe Ray can take his fat check from Killian Coulter and go stay in a hotel.
Or I could bring him back here, sit him down, then try to reason with him. I know reasoning is a longshot. He hasn’t been a reasonable person in a very long time. Why now?
Maybe because he has prospects. Maybe because he’s excited. Maybe because even if he doesn’t have me, he’s got this exciting new job and money in his pocket and it’ll make him care less that I want him gone. That he hasn’t called me even once is something most women would think speaks volumes. Maybe he’s going to come back here and break up with me anyways.