Susanna stopped tagging me as her ride or die chick, too. I saw another girl that I knew she worked alongside now getting tagged in funny memes that would’ve previously had my name on them. It hurt, but it was because I’d allowed it to happen.
I take a big breath and finally scroll to her contact info. I shakily touch the screen.
She answers. I’d fully expected to get her voicemail, or that it’d ring once and then go to voicemail because she declined my call.
“Hello?”
I can’t find my voice.
“Hello? Violet?”
Obviously, she knows it’s me calling. I hadn’t changed my number. And she hasn’t deleted me from her phone, I guess.
I’m crying. Audibly. Shit.
“Violet?”
“Susanna…”
“Is that you? Not a pocket dial?”
“It’s m-me,” I say.
“Uh… hi.” Her voice is a little cold. “What’s up?”
Strike that. A lot cold.
My fault.
I take another big breath. “I’m ending it with him tomorrow. It’d be really good if I had you on standby if… if it goes bad.”
“What?” she snaps.
“I… I haven’t been honest about how things have been with him and they’ve… they’ve gotten really bad. I’m scared about doing this tomorrow, and…”
There’s dead air for a minute and I’m experiencing an overwhelming pain surge because I know I messed up and left this too long. She doesn’t care. And it’s my fault.
“Fuck. I knew it,” she snaps.
I swallow. Maybe all isn’t lost. Maybe?
“That asshole,” she hisses.
My knees falter, so I steady myself by leaning against my kitchen counter.
“Suse… can you…do you think… I know I’ve been a colossal asshole, but could you –”
“I’ll be there tomorrow, Violet. I will fucking be there holding your hand and if he doesn’t go, I’ll punch him in his stupid face and make him go. You hear me?”
I choke on a sob.
“I fucking knew it. He hits you, doesn’t he?”
“Not exactly but…”
“Verbal abuse?”
“Yeah. More like terrorizing.”
“Cocksucker,” she growls. “I could see the potential for that ugly. I told you…”
“I know. You were right. I was… blind. Stupid.”
“Defending him. Standing by your man. Of course you were. You’re the most loyal person in the world.”
But I failed to be loyal to my best friend.
“Ugh… I…” I can’t get the words out. My chest hurts.
“Abuse is abuse even if it’s not all physical. I knew he had it in him the second time you brought him around. Motherfucker was playing mind games from day one, Violet. Day one. He found twenty ways to tell you the sky was green until you were convinced of it.”
My words come out in a fast jumble. “I don’t know what’s happened to me, Susanna. I’m broken. And he’s been gone a week and this week I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and… and you probably won’t recognize me. I mean, I look like me, but inside, I’m… I’m not me. I miss you.”
I hear her choke up. Damn, but I’ve really missed her.
“And I miss me, too, Suse,” I add.
“We will get you back,” she vows. “We will fucking get you back, Violet. That sonofabitch. I knew it, but you didn’t, and you wouldn’t hear it and I just hoped you’d eventually open your eyes.”
“I opened them a long time ago, but I didn’t know what to do about it.”
“Girl, you should’ve called me a long time ago. You know that right? I will be there for you any time, any place, no matter what. I’m as loyal as you are, but to people who deserve it. You know?”
“I know. I fucked up.” I sniffle.
“Okay, it’s okay. It’s fixable. What’s the plan?”
“I have to pick him up from the airport tomorrow and…”
“Fuck that. Fuck him.”
“No, I think I do because I got all his stuff packed and after I pick him up –”
“Pick me up first. I’ll be there every minute. He’s gone, Violet. Gone even if I have to get him gone myself.”
I love my best friend. And I really do miss her.
“I should’ve done this two years ago,” I say.
“Three. And I know,” she whispers. “But better late than never. You’re doing it now.”
“I am.”
Damn it, I am!
“Pick me up at work tomorrow at five,” she demands.
“I’ll be there right after I finish work.”
“Good. I’ll be outside. I love you. I’ve missed you. And I will help you put yourself back together, Violet. I promise.”
“Okay. I love you, Suse. Thank you. Thank you for this despite that I have been- I just wasn’t, I couldn’t…” I don’t know how to explain it.
“I love you, girl. I got you.” She doesn’t make me keep struggling to find the words.
God, I love her.
I hang up and cry myself to sleep.
It feels like a good cry, though, mostly, because whatever happens from here on in, I’m no longer feeling so alone.
***
My workday Thursday? Never-ending. Endless. Not only do I have extra to do because they’ve given me Friday off, but also, what I’m planning to do tonight weighs on me, making every task feel like torture.