I almost went back to my own bed, but knew I’d rather lie there and suffer with a hard cock than sleep without her.
Fuck she felt good. She smelled good. I wanted to know if she’d taste good, too.
***
I take a shower and get dressed with plans to meet Jag. Some time whacking a ball and beating the pants off my old friend is just what I need. Burn off all this energy. Sexual tension. Anger at Iadanza. Annoyance that I don’t know where Violet is.
By the time I’m out of the shower, before I’m even dressed, I’m on the edge of my bed tapping out a text to Zack, telling him I want him to add her to surveillance when she’s not with me. It starts today by him tracking her down by her phone.
I can’t help it; I can’t relax not knowing where she is.
He tells me it’ll take until late for him to swing that and he wants to know if I’m concerned for her safety.
I shrug that off and tell him to just ensure his team keeps on top of Iadanza as well.
I toss my phone and thrust my hands into my hair.
Should’ve jerked off in the shower, taken the edge off, but I’m feeling a vague sense of guilt right now, so I deny myself the release.
31
Violet
After nails and mocha iced cappuccinos, we do some wandering at the mall and I find myself splurging and buying myself some nighties. Three. And they’re all sexy. Two were on sale and one… I just had to have.
Yeah. Of course they’re sexy. Because I’m a dummy. A dummy who put the brakes on last night, but wants to be sure that if he climbs in bed with me again, I’m wearing something alluring.
Stupid, Violet. Stupid, stupid.
I don’t tell Susanna anything about the negativity of the night before, nor of Killian climbing in and nearly kissing me, telling me in that deep and sexy voice that he can’t help but want me.
I certainly don’t tell her he held me all night.
Just the memory of it has me heating up with arousal and filled with remorse over stopping him with my near panic attack.
I started the morning off with Susanna, telling her that I didn’t wanna talk about Killian, Ray, or anything to do with me. I wanted her to fill me in on everything about herself. I wanted a play by play of all of our time apart.
Today was declared Susanna Sunday.
She entertained me throughout the day by regaling me with more tales of online dating disasters, a six month long relationship that ended badly, filling me in about work, her family, a vacation she took with her work friend, Brit, whose name came up quite a bit, and I wasn’t surprised because I’d seen her tagging this girl all over social media over the past few months, but then Susanna picked up on my trying to mask my emotion about this other friend and I was assured I’d absolutely love her and that the three of us would do something together very soon.
I felt a little sad, at first, that I’d sort of been replaced, though I could hardly blame her for it, and then told myself more friends was better. I’ve decided to go to lunch with Cammy again next week – at least twice, and maybe to ask Tara, our receptionist if she’d like to see a movie one evening. Tara is nice, sweet, and always trying to chat me up at the coffeemaker.
I want to expand my circle again.
Susanna was still in touch with some other girls from high school and told me we would be hearing from Kate, a good friend from back in the day, about a bridal shower soon. She had gotten a Facebook message late last week asking for contact details for me and had passed on my mailing address for an invite to the shower and the wedding.
The idea of doing normal things is appealing. And frightening.
I want to feel like myself again and spending time with Suse definitely helped with that, but I still feel a little zombie-ish. And in the moments where I wasn’t listening to her talk, I was zoning out, wondering what if. What if I let Killian kiss me? What if it went further than that?
The idea of a relationship with him both excites and terrifies me in equal measure. I still feel guarded. And the idea of a physical relationship with anyone terrifies me but yet I have zero confidence to bring it up with Susanna. I know she’ll tell me to go for it, to get back on the horse, but life has to be in limbo for at least the next week and a half. Likely longer as I take time to detox from my relationship with Ray.