Questions and white noise fill my head until we’re inside his apartment and I’m feeling strange. Like I’m missing something. Or forgetting something. Or maybe that this really can’t be over. Can it?
“You’re not going to hurt him right? If he leaves me alone, you’ll let it all go?”
There’s a long moment of silence while Killian studies my face.
“Is that what you want?” he finally asks.
“It is. I don’t want violence, not because of me, ever.”
“Want a drink?” he asks, as he takes his jacket off after disarming the alarm.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.
He stands there, looking at me. And I take him in. All of him. His height. His muscular build. Those sexy eyes. His strong-looking hands. That mouth.
That sinfully sexy mouth.
“Violet?” he asks, in that deep and sexy voice.
It’s husky right now as his eyes travel my face.
I’m suddenly tripping over my own feet to connect with him. I grab his jaw and drag his mouth to mine. There’s a quick inhale of surprise from him before he takes over. He’s suddenly in charge, pulling me to him with his arms around my waist. His right hand slides from my hip up my torso, over the swell of my breast until he’s got my jaw cupped.
He makes a husky groaning sound as he spins me around and puts my back against the wall.
“Fuck,” he groans. And then he lifts me by the waist and kisses me again. I’m off the ground and he’s grinding me down on his erection. Holy moly. I whimper and before I’ve had a chance to fully process, he shifts me into his arms and heads down the hallway with me.
Oh shit. What have I done? I know where this is headed.
And I’m panicking.
“Wait. Wait!”
He stops and his eyes lock with mine.
“I… I’m sorry. But I… I…” He sets me on my feet in front of the door to the second bedroom, the one between my room and his.
I flatten my palm against my chest and try to catch my breath.
His eyes search my face.
“Um…” I chew on my bottom lip.
He shakes his head, letting out a long breath. “It’s okay.” He looks so disappointed. So. Disappointed. “I misread the signal.”
“I’m a little scrambled, so, I-”
“It’s okay.” He shakes his head, heads down the hall, palming his face with body language that screams frustration and then he closes the door.
I gulp. I stare at his closed door for a minute before I head into my room. I lean against my closed door and close my eyes.
Shit. That was cruel of me. Really cruel. What was I thinking?
Maybe I was just thinking it’d be a kiss. But that’s stupid of me. I should’ve known. I should’ve known he’d think it was all green lights and arrows pointing to his bed.
I’m too emotional right now; I can’t think straight.
I should call Susanna. Tell her it’s over. I should celebrate. But right now I’m just feeling like my body is vibrating. Like I don’t know how to feel. What to feel. What to do. I need to de-stress.
I go into the bathroom, peel off my clothes, and stand under the hot water, staring at the tiled wall for a long time.
After I’m dressed for bed and in my robe, I slip out and grab a bottle of water from the fridge. Everything is quiet; I still quickly get back into my room, so I won’t run into him.
There’s no light shining from the gap under his door.
***
It’s well after midnight and my brain won’t stop twirling around things. So many things.
I typed out an email to my boss, telling her I have a personal emergency and can’t be at work on Thursday. I apologized, telling her that if she can’t get things covered for me, let me know and I’ll login remotely and do at least the bare minimum from home.
The alert startles me when she replies a few minutes later. She tells me not to worry about it. She’ll have someone cover for me Thursday and Friday. Tells me to take some personal days. Then she asks if my grandfather is okay.
I reply that it’s not him, that my relationship ended, dramatically, I say that if she thinks it’s a crappy reason to call off work, I’ll get my butt in there in the morning. She responds and tells me not to worry, to take the days – says I almost never use my personal days allotment and I’m making everyone else look bad. I smile at this attempt to cheer me up. She also tells me to take Monday if I need to. And then she sends a long email about her last breakup, which was really ugly. Her guy cheated, was abusive, and she caught him and then he tried to keep the apartment and all her stuff. She ends it telling me to take care of myself and to let her know if I want to bend her ear, catch a movie, or if I want some company over the weekend.