“Protect me? Clearly, your number one goal here was revenge, Killian.”
“Yeah, all right… avenge you and me while giving you a life where revenge and bullshit were out of the picture. I didn’t deceive you to hurt you; I did it in an effort to give you what you deserve – a sweet life.”
I straighten up, summoning strength I really don’t feel. “You said that I shouldn’t give a shit about him, and I don’t. Not that I think kidnapping and torture are okay, they’re not.”
“I did what I had to do.” He shrugs.
I continue. “What I give a shit about is that I don’t know if things between us are even real. I don’t have loyalty to him. I stayed with him because I was too weak to leave. You made me strong enough that I have the courage to leave now. So, thank you for that. Thank you for helping me find my strength.”
“No, Violet.”
I continue. “I can’t… can’t be here right now. Not after all of that. Not after the lies. I don’t know how to feel. I’m just… I’m devastated. I need space.”
“Three years taken from us. Over a thousand days it could’ve been us. Not sure how many more times I’ll be able to defend this before I’m done. Three years you could’ve had me instead of that. Me, loving you, taking care of you, instead of gaslighting you into a state where you went into a shell and couldn’t recognize yourself.”
“If it wasn’t a trick coin – if he’d used a normal one you could’ve lost anyway. It might not have been our time until now. But now…” I let that hang.
I have to leave him. I have no choice. And God, it hurts so much.
“Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face, baby,” he says. “Because I fuckin’ love you. You clearly have no clue how much. I’ll never be able to describe to you just how much.”
“Sometimes, I think people mistake love and possession. Maybe you do think you love me, but really you love that you won me from him, and like that you can keep him alive and rub his nose in it whenever you want. You don’t like being cheated. You don’t like that you lost a bet when betting is your business.”
“I. Love. You. You! Stay. Let me show you.”
“If you love me, really love me, you’ll try to understand why I have to be strong enough right now to walk away.”
“Letting you go isn’t me showing love. It’s giving up. I won’t give up on us.”
“Killian.”
“No. Don’t walk away. Violet, this is us. This is you ‘n me.” His face is filled with pain. With distress. He eats up the distance and takes my face into his hands, stares directly into my eyes and it hurts. It hurts more than any hurt I’ve ever felt.
“It’s us, baby. You ‘n me. We’re real, you fucking know we are. Just take a beat. A day or two to digest. But here. Let’s figure this out.”
“Let go.”
“Tell me how to fix this,” he demands, angrily.
I try to pry his hands off my face.
“Tell me what to do!” he repeats aggressively, and I back up, but he comes with me because he’s not letting go of my face. He comes with me until my back hits the wall.
His eyes are on fire. He’s so angry. I’ve never seen him so angry. I feel panicked. Claustrophobic.
14
Killian
“What can I do?”
I have to fix this. I have to.
I can’t lose her.
I won’t.
Over her being upset about that schmuck paying for his deceit?
“Please, back off,” she pleads. “Please.”
“Baby, no.” I continue to cup her face with both hands, making her look into my eyes.
And what I see there? Fear.
She begins clawing at her throat. Raking her fingers up and down her neck, fear in her eyes, her body trembling.
Is she having a panic attack?
She makes a horrible sound of agony and I can see hives rising on her throat, her upper chest, so I take a step back, raising my hands high.
“Violet?” I ask alarmed.
“Please…” she pleads again, continuing to scratch at her neck.
I’m making her react to me the way she reacted to him. That nervous rash. The clawing at her throat.
Fuck, I’m a piece of garbage.
And that makes me want to puke my guts up.
“I have to go,” she whispers.
I fold over, bracing my palms on my thighs. I attempt to drag in a calming breath. And another.
Then I straighten. She’s shrunk against the wall, looking at me with fear. She’s actually afraid of me right now.
“Stay here tonight. Please. We’ll talk tomorrow. I’ll leave you alone in here, give you space. Don’t go.”
“I have to go,” she cries out, panicked. “I need to think. I need you to let me go. Please let me go. Please.”