“At least you told me first. Even if it wasn’t because you planned to. Are you finished? You haven’t eaten much.”
“I ate as much as I can. I haven’t had an appetite. I’ll probably barf it up, but I tried.”
“I’ll run you a bath.” He sets the bottle of pills on his nightstand.
“Not too hot,” I say. “I’ve been doing a bit of reading and I shouldn’t have baths that are too hot.”
He leaves with our dinner dishes. And then he’s back and in the master bathroom.
I meet him in there. He frowns. What – is he annoyed that I walked in instead of letting him carry me?
“I walked slow. I’m not an invalid. I’m not on doctor-ordered bedrest.”
“No, you’re on husband-ordered bedrest until further notice.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Watch me be ridiculous. I give no fucks.”
He approaches me and I stiffen, staring at our feet.
He reaches out and his hand spans my stomach – my stomach dips as my eyes move up to meet his.
He’s staring deep for a long moment and the emotion in his eyes? I can’t look away.
“You’re having my baby,” he says softly, very softly, all traces of anger gone.
This makes me choke up and fail at my attempt to swallow down the choke. An ugly sob comes out.
He pulls me against his body and I can’t help it, I sink in.
We stand there for a moment before he tips my chin up and puts his lips to mine. They touch mine softly, sweetly, and then his mouth is not two inches away, his eyes roving my face for a long minute that makes me feel really self-conscious. It’s hard to avoid that piercing gaze this close.
“I love you,” he says. “We’re gonna fix us. We are. For our baby and for us. Okay? I want this. I want you. So much, Violet.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. You’ve really hurt me, Killian.”
“I know I have. I do. And I wish… I wish I could take that hurt back. But we’re fixing this. Take your bath. I’m just in the bedroom. Call me if you need me. And be careful.”
He goes, leaving the door open a few inches.
I cradle my arms, myself really, tears rolling down my cheeks as I exhale a few times. Big inhale, shallow exhale, repeat. I’m trying to get my heart to slow down.
***
Much to my relief, there’s been no further bleeding when I get undressed.
The tub is brimming with lavender-scented bubbles and the temperature isn’t as hot as I like it, so that’s a good sign. I get in and resist the urge to add more hot water. It’s warm enough to be comfortable.
It actually feels good to stretch out in here. This bathroom feels like home. His bedroom feels like home, even though it’s only been a short time. But there’s an underlying feeling still, one I can’t deny. Hurt. Disbelief. Me being pregnant doesn’t change things. Does it? Should it?
If I open myself up to staying with Killian, will it just be me losing myself the way I did with Ray? Is it me not standing up for myself, just caving to him because he says the right things?
Ray used to say all the right things, too.
I don’t know how to feel, what to do. I also don’t know how I can possibly trust him. That nagging voice in my head has been telling me things – mean things, like, “See! You knew he couldn’t possibly want you for you. He just wanted to take you from Ray.”
I feel like every time I’ve felt confident or sexy with him, I had no right to feel that way. Like I’m just a big loser for not figuring things out. And I don’t know how we move forward from here, especially with the very real problem of Ray being locked up in that basement.
What I do know is that he’s tugging hard on my heartstrings. The relief I saw in his eyes when the doctor told us things seem okay. The look of hurt as he asked me if I was punishing him by not telling him about the pregnancy. The determination in his eyes telling me he’s going to take care of the both of us. Me and the baby. The way he touched my stomach and looked at me with love.
I’m numb as I lounge in the bubbles. Just numb.
I’ve been sleeping like garbage, just fraught with worry.
Right now, I’m so bone tired, I feel like I actually could sleep.
I dip my head and lay with everything submerged except my face for a few minutes before I sit up and scrub everything with my loofah. When I get out of the tub and quickly dry off, I catch myself shrugging on Killian’s blue bathrobe out of habit. I catch myself automatically doing what I always do. Pull the lapel close to my nose and inhale, sinking into that comforting pull because of the scent of him on it.