We’re brushing our teeth side-by-side. I’m trying to avoid his eyes. I think he’s trying to read mine.
We wind up in bed at the same time and he’s wrapping me up in an embrace.
“You keep acting like things are just okay. Touching me, holding me. It’s fucking with me.”
“Good,” he whispers and kisses me.
“Good?”
“Every time I touch you, take you into my arms, you’re recoiling less and less. So guess what? I’m gonna keep touching you, keep putting my hands on you. I’m gonna convince my beautiful wife that I really do love her, really do want her, and I do.”
I gulp.
“Baby, I do,” he insists. “I want nothing more than for all the pain you’ve been feeling the past week and a half to be gone. Fading into memory because you’re looking forward. Forward to a time when we’ll have our little family. When we get to meet this tiny person that’s growing inside you. Then make another one and another until our little family is big.”
He squeezes me.
“But what if I can’t trust you? Trust is important in a marriage. It’s the most important thing. You had it and you threw it away.”
“It might take time for you to forgive me for my deception, but we have time. We have all the time. So, just enjoy the spoiling, the pampering, and the lovefest it’ll be.”
I shake my head. “Don’t make light of this.”
“Believe me, that’s the last thing I’m doing. I’m letting you know I’m in this. All the way. I’m not giving up on us. I’ll spend every fuckin’ day showing you how much I love you, proving you can trust me again. And Violet…in Italy, when I asked you to give me that burden, I really fucking meant it. Don’t you see it? I don’t want it to weigh on you at all. Agree to me sending him to Campo. Do your best to put it out of your head, think of him simply as being incarcerated just as he should be. Trust me, please. Know that all I want is to hear you haven’t given up on us. However much time it takes to regain your trust, I’ll keep puttin’ in the work.”
“What if I do? Give up on us, I mean.”
“You won’t. Not only will I not let you, you won’t want to. You’re too stubborn.”
I rear back, but I can’t get far as his hold on me tightens.
“The more I get to know you, the more I realize that with you and him, you dug in. That’s one of the reasons it went on so long.”
“Meaning?” I ask.
“You beat yourself up because you think you were bein’ weak. It was the opposite for a long time, wasn’t it? You were being strong enough for the both of you by believing in your man. You were sure you were right about him. Sure you should believe in him. That’s why you defended him to everyone. You weren’t right. But you were so sure you were, that if you just gave it more time, gave him more support, that he’d have that room to prove himself.”
My sinuses are burning a little. Killian keeps going, rubbing my back as he talks.
“That things would change. And no, you weren’t weak at first. You were the opposite of that. But over time of course he did break you down, he did fuck with your heart, and your confidence took a hit. But that took time and happened because you were stubborn about it. You believed in your gut for a long time the best was there in him. You tried to show him, too, by not givin’ up. Didn’t you? You’re stubborn, baby. And he could’ve grown from that. He didn’t. You’re gonna be stubborn this time, too. But the outcome will be very different. Because I’m already growing from it.”
He touches his lips to mine briefly before continuing. “You need a bit of time to work through all you know about me, but so far, here’s what you know. You know I haven’t let you down. Yes, I lied, but it came from a place of tryin’ to protect you, not because I was trying to deceive you. You know I haven’t done things to hurt you or left you to deal with shit just because you would deal with it. Not like him. You’re getting there – coming to terms with the man I am, a man who would throw another man into a hole in the ground for weeks for hurting the woman I love. That’s one of the many differences between me and him. He let you eat shit for him. Lay his burdens and his sins on you. I would not. Will not. I’ll be the one to do the dirty work, the heavy lifting, the wet work so that you don’t have to do it, baby. If I have to bust my balls to keep you from stress and worry, I’ll do it. I’m the opposite of that schlep. I won’t wind up in a hole, either, I’m too smart and too strong. He had you living in what felt like the hole in the ground for a long time and I couldn’t allow that to go unpunished. Deep down you know that and maybe it freaks you out, because you can’t condone violence, but you’re eventually gonna come to realize that because you’ve got me, you’re never gonna be left dangling in the wind again. Nobody else is ever, fucking ever gonna break you or stuff you in a prison, feeding you shit. Pissing on you. Hurting you. You’ve got the opportunity to grow strong again because you’ve got me at your back instead of me letting you eat shit like he would do.”