“I’ll try,” I say.
“You’ll get there. I’ll make it happen.”
“I hope so.”
“Wanna bet?” he asks.
I smile wide. “You don’t make bets.”
His eyes go haunted for a split second and I regret my statement. But then his expression clears.
“You, last night? I watched until I lost sight of you in the office. Knew you were getting that gun. Shooting two people to make sure they didn’t take you from me and even more, knowing you were protecting our child? At the time, I was a big ball of fuckin’ stress. But hindsight, baby? Badass. You’re so strong now. I’d bet it all on you.”
“Thanks to you I am. And thank you. Thank you for loving me. For trying to protect me. And for not giving up on me.”
“Even if some of that strength came from pain, came from me hurting you, too?”
“I would’ve crawled through fire for him,” I say. “In the beginning.”
His expression drops. I’m sure it’s not easy to hear that I’d have done that for Ray. But I’m being honest.
“That’s how hard I love,” I say.
He swallows.
“I would’ve. I would’ve crawled through fire for either of you. But, Killian, where he’d let me burn, you wouldn’t. You’d burn everything else in order to save me.”
“I would,” he vows, eyes fierce.
I sigh. “I’m finally being loved the way I deserve. But we grow through what we go through.”
“If we’re smart we do,” he says. “And then you saved me from the guy with the knife. You saved me, baby.”
“I did, didn’t I?” I’m smiling.
“My kingdom for these dimples.” He pokes one.
“These dimples for your cock,” I return, like a dork.
He laughs and rolls me to my back.
59
Killian
Tahiti
Violet dips her hands into the ocean and swirls them to and fro for a minute, like she’s trying to get something off her skin. She is. She told me to hand her all my demons, all the guilt I’m carrying.
Her wedding and engagement ring catch the sunlight and I’m not sure if it’s my eyes playing tricks on me or what, but I see red-tinged ripples float away from her fingers like departing shadows.
“There,” she says. “All gone. All the bad dreams, all the guilt over things we can’t change. All gone. Washed away.”
She rises and flicks her hands away before dipping to grab the hand sanitizer from the towel. I’d wondered why she brought it down here. But she asked me to hand her my burdens. So I did. And then I watched her rinse them into the water.
She holds the bottle out. “Your hands, please.”
I hold mine out and she squirts some of the liquid onto my hands. She squirts some on her own hands, too.
“Okay?” she asks.
I nod.
“Come here,” I say.
She sits beside me. I dry my hands on my shorts, then I dust sand from her thigh.
“All better?” she asks.
“People look at me and see success. They see drive. They don’t see that my life has been plagued with disappointment and red lights, having to wait for things I didn’t wanna wait for, and then dragging out things that have no place in my head.”
“I see you,” she says.
“I know you do. And baby, your love fills an emptiness that’s always been there. It’s gone now. More money, more success didn’t fill that gap. Neither did revenge. You did. You do. It kills me that hurt and pain was what brought you to me. That my intention of giving you a pain-free life was a failure because of my demons.”
She shakes her head and puts her hand to my jaw.
“Through pain came strength for me, Killian. Your strength at my back. Your unwillingness to give up on us. And your efforts at making my life easier. You can’t shield me from everything. But knowing you’re my partner in life makes me feel strength – that we can tackle things together. And all the bad stuff is gone. I’m not saying we won’t face anything bad along the way, but we’ll face it with knowing we’ve got one another to lean on. I’m stronger now because of you. So you can lean on me, too. You protect me, I protect you, too.”
“Seeing you grow stronger will help me sleep at night. I thought all I wanted in life was to protect you, but I was wrong. What I needed was for you to feel strong and confident. Even better if part of that confidence comes because you know you’ve got me. The way you handled shit with Ricci and Heidi? How you got in Tony’s face to protect me? How you’ve put your foot down to get what you want over and over the last few weeks? Stood up for yourself with your job? I’m proud of you.”
“I’m proud of me, too. I was worried when I found out about your deceit that staying with you would say that I wasn’t stronger, that I wasn’t any different from the girl that let someone break her down, turn her into a slow-boiled frog. But by you not giving up on me, by you showing you wanted me to grow strong enough to go head-to-head with you if needed, it helped. It helped a lot. And it doesn’t hurt that at the end of our drama, I didn’t need to be rescued. And that I kinda-sorta rescued you from the bad guy with the knife.”