“Rough patch?” Bobbie asked, nodding toward the blood-filled tubes.
“Not a great one,” Clarissa said. “I’ll be back on my feet tomorrow, though. Promise.”
“No rush,” Bobbie said. “We’re doing fine.”
“I know. It’s just …”
Bobbie cracked her knuckles. The autodoc chimed to itself and took another long draw of Clarissa’s blood.
“You wanted something?” she said, looking into Bobbie’s eyes. “It’s okay. You can say it.”
“I’m not your captain yet,” Bobbie said. “But I’m going to be.” It was the first time she’d said the words out loud. They felt good enough that she said them again. “I’m going to be. And that’s going to put me in a position where I’m responsible for you. For your well-being.”
She hadn’t thought about her team in years. Her old team. Hillman. Gourab. Travis. Sa’id. Her last command before this. For a moment, they were in the room, invisible and voiceless, but as present as Clarissa. Bobbie swallowed and bit back a smile. This was it. This was what she’d been trying to find her way back to all these years. This was why it mattered that she do it right this time.
“And if I’m responsible for your well-being,” she said, “we need to talk.”
“All right.”
“This thing with your old implants. That’s going to get worse instead of better,” Bobbie said.
“I know,” Clarissa said. “I’d take the implants out if it wouldn’t kill me faster.” She smiled, inviting Bobbie to smile with her. Making the truth into something like a joke.
“When we get to Medina, I’m going to hire on fresh crew,” Bobbie said. “Not co-owners in the ship the way we are. Just paid hands. Part of that is Holden and Naomi leaving.”
“But you can also hire someone for my place,” Clarissa said. Tears welled up, sheeting across her eyes as she nodded. The autodoc chimed again, pushing her purified blood back down into her.
“If you want to stay on Medina, you can,” Bobbie said. “If you want to stay with the ship, you’re welcome here.”
On the float, Clarissa’s tears didn’t fall. Surface tension held them to her until she shook her head, and then they’d form a dozen scattered balls of saline that in time would get sucked into the recycler and leave the air smelling a little more of sorrow and the sea.
“I …” Clarissa began, then shook her head and shrugged helplessly. “I thought I’d be the first one to leave.”
She sobbed once, and Bobbie pushed over to her. Took her hand. Clarissa’s fingers were thin, but her grip was stronger than Bobbie expected. They stayed there together until Clarissa’s breath grew less ragged. Clarissa brought her other hand over and rested it on Bobbie’s arm. There was some color in her cheeks again, but Bobbie didn’t know if it was the flush of emotion or the medical systems doing their job. Maybe both.
“I understand,” Bobbie said. “It’s hard losing someone.”
“Yeah,” Clarissa said. “And … I don’t know. Something about it seems less dignified when it’s Holden. You know what I mean? Of all the people to get choked up over.”
“No,” Bobbie said. “You don’t need to make light of it.”
Clarissa opened her mouth, closed it again. Nodded. “I’ll miss him, is all.”
“I know. I will too. And … look, if you don’t want to talk about it now, I can just check your file for your medical plan and end-of-life choices. Whatever you and Holden worked out, I’m going to honor it.”
Clarissa’s pale, thin brows knotted. “Holden? I didn’t work out anything with Holden.”
Bobbie felt a little tug of surprise. “No?”
“We don’t talk about things like that,” Clarissa said. “I talked to Amos. He knows I want to stay here. With him. If things ever get too bad, he promised he’d … make it easier for me. When the time comes.”
“Okay,” Bobbie said. “That’s good to know.” And important, she thought to herself, to fully document so that if it happens in someone else’s jurisdiction no one gets arrested for murder. How the hell could Holden not have done that? “You’re sure Holden never talked about this with you?”
Clarissa shook her head. The autodoc finished its run. The tubes detached from the port in Clarissa’s skin and slid back into the body of the ship like overly polite snakes.
“Okay, then,” Bobbie said. “I know now. I’ll make sure you’re taken care of. And Amos too.”
“Thank you. And I’m sorry.”