Dane nodded as I spoke, though the tension remained. He wouldn’t be letting me off the hook anytime soon, that was for damn sure. But I had a niggling suspicion he comprehended my logic as I continued to unravel my feelings about staying put when there might be something I could do to help out.
Kyle steered clear of us. Eventually, Rosa took the baby to bathe him and then put him in one of his cribs. Dane paced in front of the fireplace.
Finally, he drew up short, raked a hand through his hair, and gave me a grave look. “You’re a strong person, Ari. The things that happened to you at the Lux—because of Horton and Vale—weren’t signs of weakness on your part. In fact, you handled it all very well. But this…”
“I know I took a big chance. But Dane. I had Kyle with me and two FBI agents.”
“All of whom took too great a risk with your life. But that’s a different issue entirely.”
I sat rigidly on the sofa, anxiety tripping through me.
Dane said, “This relationship, this marriage…” He shook his head. “It’s not right.”
My heart nearly stopped. My stomach revolted, jarring me.
“Dane.” I stared up at him, every inch of me about to come apart at the seams.
“I haven’t been with you, the way I should be. Not since that night the Lux blew up. And all this time, you’ve been tucked away. At the retreat, the estate, here.”
“Trust me, the accommodations have not been feeble or lacking any amenity.” I tried to keep us on an even keel, because I didn’t want this conversation to go in the direction in which I feared it was headed.
Dane said, “You’re not living a normal life, Ari. Because of me.”
“Whoa. Not this again.” I jumped to my feet and crossed to where he stood. Splaying my palms over his heavily muscled midsection, I held his intense gaze as I told him, “First of all, you once told me life’s too short to settle for normal.”
He glared at me for the tactic I’d just employed.
With a small shrug, I said, “Well, it’s true. That’s exactly what you said. Second, you are a fantastic husband, provider, and father.”
“When I’m here.”
“Oh, hell, Dane.” I let out a long breath. Tried to explain that I understood our predicament for what it was in a reasonable light. And I had a great example when it came to that sense of family abandonment he was feeling.
“Every Service member that’s ever been deployed feels something similar, I’m sure. That they’ve left loved ones behind to fend for themselves,” I said. “But these courageous people have a sense of duty to serve their country. They make the sacrifice to do whatever is necessary in order to get the job they’re assigned done. I have immense respect for them. And for their families, who keep it all together, as best as they can, back home. You do what you have to do, no matter the situation, whether it’s fighting terrorism or working with the FBI.”
“It’s not just that, Ari.”
I was getting a little alarmed that he was forgoing all the terms of endearment he typically used, in lieu of sticking with my name. Even when he was deathly serious about something, he’d still call me baby or sweetheart.
Not so now.
“So what else is it?” I dared to ask. Somewhat reticent to do so. I wasn’t quite sure how far the pendulum would swing with this sensitive, potentially detrimental, subject.
And that made it difficult to breathe.
He said, “We’re not thinking of ourselves as parents with something to lose.”
Kyle had pointed that out to me earlier; I’d already reprimanded myself for the slight. But I reminded Dane, “Amsel wasn’t even a thought in our heads when all of this started.”
“Well, he needs to be the thought in our heads now.”
Dane backed away and stalked over to the wet bar to pour himself a glass of scotch. He turned back and handed over a crystal tumbler for me as well, with water in it, since I was breast-feeding.
Then he said, “When I was a child, I didn’t fully grasp the concept of having a bodyguard. I knew Amano stuck close by. He was family, though, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. He offered a paternal presence—taught me how to ride a bike, throw a punch, all those things. When I was entering my teens, that’s when I started to rebel a bit.”
My brow crooked. “You?” He’d always been so stalwart and grounded. I hadn’t considered that his unique circumstances of being an orphaned billionaire at just one month old might have had more adverse effects on him than not ever knowing his parents. And the imminent threat of someone wanting to get their hands on his inheritance.
He said, “I wanted to be able to do things on my own, not constantly be shadowed. At that point, obviously, I understood why it was so important for Amano to keep an eye on me, but that didn’t make it any easier to digest, when most of my friends had more freedom.”