It’s never been like this between us. Our bodies meld together in a slow rhythm. Both of us so desperate to make it last. Neither willing to give in and let go. Sweat drips down my back as he increases his tempo from soft and slow to fast and steady. The soft murmur of I love you disappears between my lips as he kisses me, deep and hard much akin to him inside me, owning every part of me.
He pulls back to stare at me. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” he chants almost as if he is trying to convince us both of his feelings for me. Or maybe as though he is afraid I will forget. “Fuck, I love you, baby.” His mouth come back down on mine hungry and true.
Our bodies slap together as he comes at me hard once more. Pumping in and out faster and deeper with every stroke until we both find our release. His warmth flows through me as he stills on top of me, not breaking our connection, not letting tonight go.
Heavy breaths and racing heartbeats pass between us stretching into the silence, saying what our voices won’t. He kisses me and rests his forehead on mine. Outside I hold it together but inside I’m shattering into a million and one pieces.
Eventually Ryan rolls off to the side of me but keeps hugging me with his arm holding me hostage. Those kisses I can’t resist pepper up and down my arm until his breaths even out and sleep claims him. Darkness surrounds me with only the sound of his breathing and the steady rhythm of his heartbeat for company.
My thoughts are racing as fast as my pulse. None of them good.
My heart is in my throat.
I’m going to be sick.
I keep running my fingers through his hair, trying to make these awful thoughts dissipate but they won’t.
I’m going to lose him.
There is no happily ever after.
I’m a whore.
I’m no housewife. I know it and he does too.
Easing out from beneath his heavy arm, I slide out of bed and put on my robe. The house is cool, and I can hear the low sound of bugs chirping. The sliding glass back door is open, but the screen is closed. Embracing my center, I stare out into the backyard, trying to envision our future here.
Ryan chasing after our son or daughter through the sprinklers, pushing them on a swing, teaching them to ride a bike. I want it, but it feels out of reach. The vision fades and reality settles back in.
The automatic timer on the coffee pot starts. The sm
ell as the beans start to brew makes my stomach roll and it isn’t long before I am rushing to the bathroom.
After emptying my guts into the toilet, I look up to find Ryan staring down at me, holding a wet washcloth in my direction. I flush the toilet and take the cloth, wiping my face and mouth. He watches me silently as I brush my teeth and comb my hair. I know I need a shower, but I really just want to go to bed finally.
I’m tired and extremely cranky.
“You okay?” He asks, as I push past him.
“No. You?”
“Not even a little bit.”
I nod, and he grabs my hand. I don’t stop walking and keep moving until I land in the bed. My head hits the pillow and I close my eyes, dreaming of a better future, one that includes Ryan and my child. His lips touch my forehead. “I spoke to Zo Zo yesterday. Got nothing to worry about with him, he’s sterile.” I let out a happy cry. One small victory to be had. “We still need to talk.”
“I know,” I whisper, twisting away from him, not wanting him to see me cry.
“I got some shit to do first. We’ll talk when I get back. Get some rest. I love you, MaryAnn.”
The words I love you too catch in my throat. He places the pad of his finger to my lips, silencing me.
“I know, baby. Sleep. I’ll be back soon.” Moving his finger, he replaces it with his lips. I keep my eyes shut, unable to look at him right now.
Chapter Fifteen
—Cupid
Leaving MaryAnn nearly killed me because when I return to her everything will have changed between us. I called a secret meeting with Hades and Boogeyman. This concerns them. This shit with Mandy is boiling my blood. I picked up some coffee and donuts. I figure if I treat the fuckers they won’t be so moody for waking them up before dawn.