“Nope. You sit. I’ll take care of everything.”
“All right.” I take a seat at the table and watch as he fumbles around the kitchen trying to find everything.
“How are you feeling?” he questions as he starts plating our pasta and garlic bread.
“Fine. I get a little tired sometimes but I’m finally sleeping again.”
“That’s good. You still going to therapy?”
I forgot that I had mentioned it when he went to my last appointment with me. “I had my last session a few days ago, but if I feel the need I can always start back.”
He slides my plate in front of me. “I brought you a Coke.” He goes over to the bag and takes out a plastic bottle.
“Thank you.” I offer him a genuine smile. I have to confess it’s nice to see him and to not eat dinner by myself.
“You look good.”
“You do too,” I tell him, and he chuckles. He does look good though wearing a black button-down shirt and dark jeans. I am surprised he left his cut at home. Usually the only time he’s not wearing it is when he’s sleeping, working, or fucking. My face goes pink at that last thought.
“Baby, you gotta know not being with you, not being able to touch you or kiss you when I want is driving me crazy. I need you, MaryAnn.”
“Ryan. I miss you I do, but I don’t think we’re a good idea right now.”
“Will you ever?” The sadness and frustration in his eyes pulls on my heartstrings but I gotta stay strong. He hurt me. What he did to me cut me deeper than anything Zo Zo did to me.
“I don’t know,” I answer him honestly. I don’t want to lead him on.
“So what? You want to be friends who co-parent. Because I don’t want to be friends. I want you by my side where you belong. I’m so in love with you. You and our baby, you’re all that I think about.”
“I think about you too. I want it all, but I’m scared. You hurt me. I can’t go through that again. Losing you and Zo Zo’s betrayal devastated me. I’m not in a place to be putting my faith in men again. Not even you.” He goes to grab my hand and I flinch at the contact.
“I can’t even touch you. Jesus, MaryAnn. I’m sorry, baby. You have no idea how damn sorry I am for what I did. For what Zo Zo did. For Mandy, but thoughts of you in my arms again and our baby are the only things that keep me going. Without you the club…my life, they mean nothing.”
“Ryan…”
“No. I don’t want to fight or hear how my touch brings you pain. I should just go. I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.” He pushes his plate forward and scoots his chair back.
“Where are you going?” I follow after him as he moves toward the door.
He spins around, and he towers over me. “I don’t know. To get a drink. To find someone to lose myself in.”
My hand goes back and then swipes, smacking him across the cheek. “I’m sorry,” I cry out automatically and take a step back.
His hand cradles the back of my head as his forehead comes to rest against mine. The smell of his cologne makes my knees go weak. “What was that for?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“Yes you do. I want to hear you say it.” His tone is husky, deep, and sexy.
“No.”
“Fine. I’ll say it for you. Jealousy. You were jealous of the thought that I’d be with someone else.”
“Have you been?” I ask him although deep down I don’t think I want to hear his answer.
“How could I ever go back to being with any other woman who isn’t you? How could I stick my cock in a pussy that isn’t yours? I can’t, baby, because you are all I want. All I need. Then. Now. And forever.” Ryan doesn’t give me a chance to respond before his mouth comes down hard on mine and our teeth clash.
All thoughts of reason…any thoughts that this is wrong fade away like dust in the wind. I can’t deny myself of him any longer. We sink down on the couch, our tongues battling for dominance. In the end Ryan wins as he pushes me down and covers my body with his. The panic I was expecting to feel never comes and I let go. I give myself permission to be in the moment with him, because I do love him, and I can’t imagine going through life without him a part of mine.