“Crap, I completely forgot. Stewart was supposed to get these awesome little cake things from that cupcake place near his work.”
“Where is Stewart?” Desi winks at me.
“He’s working, Stewart and I aren’t like that,” I tell her softly.
“You sure he knows that?” She says, and Becks elbows her in the side.
“I’ll go see if we have any dessert,” I tell them, excusing myself from the table. Relationships are a very sore spot for me.
My friends are talking about me as though I can’t hear them in the next room. “I wasn’t thinking. I thought maybe she was, you know, moving on. Stewart is over here a lot. Should I apologize? I just…Katie is so sweet, and I just want her to be happy,” Desi says.
Moving on. If it were that easy, I would have moved on months ago. My heart has a hole in it. Half of my soul is missing. I can’t even think of his name without dying all over again on the inside. I don’t even want to go to that concert tomorrow, but I promised Penny. I have been trying to be better about going out and living again. It’s just so hard when all I feel on the inside is dead.
My fingers twist at the pendant that still hangs around my neck.
Beckett tells Desi, “It’s fine, sweetheart. You were just trying to help. Katie hasn’t talked about him in months. She is actually putting on weight.”
Him…my chest constricts. Dimples appear briefly in my head. If it were possible I would die a little more on the inside, but I’m numb now. I guess that is why I like hanging out with Stewart so much. He’s safe and there aren’t complications. I can breathe when I am with him. He doesn’t know anything about my past, and he doesn’t question why I hate the radio, or why I never sing anymore.
I wipe
the lone tear from my face and cut up some fruit with dip to snack on. When I walk back into the dining area, they all grow quiet. “You guys don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I’m fine.” I smile and try not to break. I am so not fine. I am not sure if I will ever be fine, but I’m trying. I honestly am.
“Good, because we are going to have so much fun tomorrow. We get all access passes, thanks to my awesome new boss, Kevin.” Penny is grinning mischievously at me. I can only imagine what she has planned.
“I can’t believe I am saying this, because I am going on amazing trip with my boyfriend tomorrow, but I am so jealous that you guys are going to spend all day tomorrow hanging out with hot rock stars.”
The mere mention of those words—rock stars…my chest grows tight and my face falls. However, I put on a fake smile, trying to seem enthusiastic for my friends. I know Penny misses Bradly, so I am trying to suck up my self-pity and be here for her. It is just hard pretending to be happy when I’m still grieving the loss of him.
“So hey, we better get going,” Becks says, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“You better bring me back something cool,” I tell him, hugging him briefly. “Have a great time, Desi. Don’t forget to write.”
Penny walks the two of them out and I start clearing the plates from dinner. Anything to get my mind from those words.
Percy rubs up against my legs, purring. I scoop him up in my arms. “You have been a bad kitty today. Penny will make you sleep outside.” He purrs harder, and I scratch his ears, touching his nose to mine. “I don’t need a man. Maybe I should just marry you, Percy. No wonder Deloris loved you so much. You are the best listener.”
“It is really a good thing that you are going with me tomorrow.” Penny shakes her head and reaches me my cell phone. “Stewart tried to call you.”
I put Percy down and he hisses at Penny. I really wish the two of them would get along better.
Taking my phone, I go up to my room and flop down on my futon.
Me: You totally suck for missing our last meal.
Stewart: I would have much rather been with you. The mare died : (
Me: I’m sorry.
Stewart: Movie marathon tomorrow?
Me: I am actually going to a concert with Penny
Stewart: You hate music
Me: No, I don’t I just haven’t liked it very much lately is all
Stewart: Why? Weirdo…