“Did you hear back from East?” My heart hammers in my throat at the thought of him. We’ve not spoken much over the past two years after what I refer to as ‘the incident.’ Today is important to me though, and it wouldn’t be right if he missed my big day. He mailed my birthday card and called me. Left me a voicemail in the middle of the night when he knew my phone would be off. Said he was on the road, but I didn’t believe him. I saw his motorcycle parked at the clubhouse. Sometimes when Mom lets me use her car, I go looking for him, needing to know he’s still out there. That he’s still close by. I drive by his house hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Some days I can’t even remember his face. Sometimes it’s as though he’s a ghost and I think I dreamed him up because I needed a hero.
“No. He never did text back, but I mailed him the invitation and sent a reminder. I’m sure he’ll come if he can.”
I give her a weak smile. She doesn’t know what happened that weekend, and I’ll never tell her. East got busy living his life, and I’ve continued living mine existing some place between where he is and where I long to be. I miss him. I miss him so much it aches deep in my bones. He promised he’d always be there for me, but I ruined that. I screwed up. He answers an occasional text but other than that, I’ve had no contact with him. He’s kept his distance and maybe that’s been for the best, but it still hurts. His absence cuts me deeper than any knife ever could.
“You look so pretty. I hope you know how proud I am of you.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
“I got you a little something. It’s not much but anyway I got you a present.” She hands me a blue velvet case. I open it up and smile. It’s a strand of pearls. “Thought they’d look pretty today.”
“Help me put it on?” I brush my light brown hair to the side. The older I get the darker my hair gets. You’d never know looking at me now that I used to have light blonde hair.
“Of course.” Mom hooks the strand of pearls around my neck. “There.” She moves my hair back in place. “You’re all grown up now, but you’ll always be my baby girl. The house will be so different once you’re away at school.”
“I’m not going that far away. Just an hour away practically,” I remind her.
“Yes, but it won’t be the same as having you here.”
“Stop it. We both know you’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. For me to be out of your hair.” I grin at her.
“That’s not true.” Her words say one thing, but her eyes give her away. My mother loves me in her own way, but she’s always felt like a caged bird wanting to fly free without the restraints of being responsible for someone else. Responsible for me.
“It’s okay, Mom. I know you love me in your special way.”
“Wylla Mae, I never regretted you for one second. Where is this coming from? Have you always felt this way? That I wished I hadn’t had you?”
I don’t say anything. I let my silence speak volumes. I don’t want to have this conversation. I just want to make it through graduation.
“I’ll tell Darin you’ll be down in a few.”
“Thanks.” She exits my room, and I let out a breath, biting back the tears threatening to fall. Today is supposed to be happy, but I feel empty. I’ve felt this void since the day I screwed up everything with East.
I grab my cap and gown and make my way downstairs to Darin. He smiles big at me. “You look beautiful as always.”
“Thanks. You look pretty darn good yourself.” I move in and kiss his cheek.
“Pictures!” Mom claps her hands and I groan.
“We need to get going.”
“Oh, hush. Let me have this moment, graduate.”
“Fine.” Darin wraps an arm around me, and we pose in front of the staircase.
“Smile, Sweetpea,” Mom chastises me.
I know I am supposed to be happy and excited. Part of me is, but the rest of me is waiting for East to knock on the front door and tell me he’s proud of me, but he doesn’t. I fold into Darin’s Mustang and go through the motions of smiling and pretending I’m not completely broken inside because he isn’t here. I search the crowd for his face through most of the ceremony, battling my tears. Allowing everyone to believe I’m simply sad that I won’t be seeing my friends or my boyfriend every day. I’ve gotten used to wearing this mask. Pretending I don’t care.
Darin is leaving tomorrow to go straight to football camp in Florida. I’m here until I make the move to my dorm at Marshall University. He accepted a scholarship, and I don’t blame him for going for it. He’s upset that I didn’t want to follow him there, but honestly, I never saw us lasting past high school. He wants to try the whole long distance thing, but I know we won’t last. He’s always had a wandering eye and while I like Darin, I know I’m not in love with him. He’ll move on easily enough. Once he gets to his new school there will be plenty of girls to change his mind.
“Hey.” He caresses my cheek after the ceremony. “You seem off today.”
“It’s nothing.” I lean into him. “I’m just emotional. Our childhood is over and we’re adults now. I’m going to miss roaming these halls and seeing you waiting for me by my locker the days you don’t drive me. Talking to you every night until I fall asleep.”
“You’re always going to be my girl, Wylla Mae.”
“Do you remember when you gave me a titty twister?” I laugh.