“Jesus, listen…” I start but don’t know what to say really. I’m not sorry I’m attracted to Diego. That kiss was addictive. I can still feel his lips on mine and taste him on my tongue.
“Don’t, Sybil. I don’t get you.” He shakes his head and gets in the truck slamming the driver’s side door shut with so much force I jump.
Letting out a sigh, I climb into the passenger side and lay my head back on the bench seat.
He pulls out of the parking lot too fast, but I keep quiet. I know he’s hurt and angry. A bad combination. I now know his true feelings for me, only I can’t give him what he wants.
The ride back to my car is quiet, awkward, and downright tense. Jesus is driving fast and the grip he has on the steering wheel has his knuckles strained and white. He parks the truck next to my car, and I take out my keys. Maybe in a few days he will have cooled down. We can talk and he’ll see that a romantic relationship between us would never work. I love him to death. Only not in the way he wants me to.
Jesus follows me out of the truck and stops next to my car. He leans against the driver’s side door, keeping me from getting in my car and leaving. He sucks in a deep breath, and I watch as his chest hitches with the action. His hands are balled into fist at his sides and his face is hard and masked with pain. “Just tell me why him?” he croaks, and his voice cracks so hard I feel it vibrate through my bones.
I shrug and offer him a weak smile. Tears burn in the back of my throat. I hate knowing that I’m hurting him, but this needs to stop now before he gets any other ideas in his head about a romantic relationship ever developing between us. “I can’t answer that. It’s like asking why the sky is blue or why leaves are green, or birds sing. You’ll always be my best friend. Always. But I don’t see you the way that you see me. I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression we could be something more. I never wanted to hurt you. You’re my best friend. I do love you, Jesus. I do.” A tear trickles down my cheek and I swipe it away.
He nods and offers me a sad smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. His arms wrap around me in a tight embrace and he kisses the top of my head. I breathe in his familiar scent of sandalwood and vanilla. A smell that has always made me feel safe. Looking up at him I hope that this means we will be okay. I try to pull back. “I should go. It’s late and I’m tired.”
“You can sleep over. Mom won’t mind. You know she adores you.”
“I think we both know that’s a bad idea.”
“I’ll sleep on the couch. You’ve been drinking and I don’t feel right letting you drive.”
“I’ll be fine. I don’t even feel buzzed.”
“Sybi…” he squeezes me again, and I try to break away.
“Hey now. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
Not letting me go, Jesus holds me tighter and gazes into my eyes with a weird expression on his face. “I’ve always wanted you. I get it. You’re still young and need to experience life a little more, but in time I know you’ll come to see that we’re meant to be. You were made for me. All I’ve ever wanted is to make you my girl. Put my ring on your finger and give you my last name. Start a family. We could build a house on the opposite end of the farm. You love it here.”
“Jesus.” I shake my head. “You paint a pretty picture, but it’s not going to happen. It’s not what I want.”
He silences me by bringing his mouth down on mine. It’s a sloppy kiss that feels all wrong. Like I am kissing my brother. He doesn’t make me feel alive in the way that Diego did when he kissed me. Pushing my hands against his chest, I try to break away. Jesus ignores my signal and kisses me harder, trying to force his tongue into my mouth. I bite his bottom lip and smack his cheek, scratching him with my car key.
His head whips to the side, his hand moving to his jaw. “What the hell, Sybi?”
“I’m sorry. You wouldn’t stop. I will never want you in that way. Now please move so I can leave.”
Tears form in his eyes, and I hate the pain I see laced there, however there is nothing I can do to change how I feel. I don’t feel that way about him. I don’t want to kiss him or hold his hand. I should have stayed on the back of Diego’s motorcycle. I suck in a breath wishing I had been selfish.
Those obsidian eyes narrow on me and his nostrils widen as he breathes harder, clenching a fist at his side. “You feel nothing for me?” His hurt is turning to anger, and I take a step back.
“No,” I whisper. “Not in the way you want. I’m…I’m not attracted to you.”
He comes for me again, hooking an arm around my waist as I claw at his face. Jesus doesn’t even flinch. Smacking me as hard as he can he drags me down to the ground. Shock colors me then anger. I thrash beneath him, although I’m no match for his strength. Pinning my arms down he gazes deep into my tear streaked eyes.
“All I ever wanted was to love you, Sybil. Why won’t you let me love you?” I turn my head and close my eyes. This is it. How it’s going to be. My best friend in the whole world is going to rape me. I never imagined that losing my virginity would be like this. I thought it would be some magical moment. A moment filled with desire and possibly love. Only this…this is hatred and greed. Jesus taking what isn’t his to take. “Look at me,” he demands, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction. I squeeze my eyes closed tighter and think about Diego. His touch. His scent. His powerful soul shattering kiss.
Suddenly and without warning Jesus shoves away from me. I glance to the left seeing the porch light has been switched on.
I take the opportunity to scramble to my feet.
Jesus gives me a long hard stare that claws at my insides.
His fist connects with the roof of my car and then he kicks the door, leaving a dent in the side. I flinch afraid of his temper. I have never seen him behave this way. It scares me. With one last look at me he swallows his pride and storms off into the night.
I let out a ragged breath and climb into my car. With my head on the steering wheel I take a few minutes to mourn the loss of my friend. I don’t know how we can come back from this. Would he have stopped, or would he have pushed things further?
I let out a shaky breath and wipe away my tears as I start the engine.