The man with him shifts awkwardly on his feet. “I’m gonna go.”
“Yeah you should go,” I grit through my teeth as I step out of my alfredo covered heels.
“Call me later, Justin.” He has the nerve to smile at him as he wipes his lips.
I snap out of my grief, shifting all my anger to him, even though deep down I know I’m not mad at this dude. He’s an easy target. I hit him in the head with my shoe, repeatedly, screaming, “Whore. Skank. Office slut,” until Justin pulls me off him. He’s lucky I didn’t put an eye out or stab him in the balls.
The man runs off laughing and I don’t feel any better. I’m angry at Justin, his skank, my dad…but mostly I’m mad at myself.
I’m mad at myself for being so stupid. The signs have been right in my face for months, but I kept ignoring them and making excuses for Justin’s behavior. It’s like he wanted to get caught.
Maybe he did.
Reluctantly, I follow him inside of our apartment that we have shared since I moved out of my mom’s place.
Only right now it doesn’t feel much like home.
“Listen, to me, Hattie. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry, Justin! Are you shitting me right now?! You know what—I don’t need this. Not from you.” I walk through the apartment and go down on my knees to pull a bag out from under the bed. Sinking down behind me he attempts to hug me but it’s too little too late.
Pushing him away, I refuse to cry. He doesn’t get any more of my tears. The one constant I have had in my life was his love and now he’s ripped that away from me with a weak temptation.
I start shoving my clothes in the bag not really caring what I’m grabbing. Nothing really matters right now except for getting out of here and far away from him. I can’t look at him right now. It hurts too much. The sting of his betrayal is a knife twisting deep in my heart and splintering it permanently in two pieces.
I head into the bathroom as Justin watches idly from the hallway. “What are you doing, Hattie? Where will you go?”
“Why do you care? You sure as shit didn’t care where I was while you were fucking that skank behind my back.” I toss my toiletries on the top of the bag and zip it up. Time to wrap this up. Years of my life wasted on a future he never planned to give me.
He places a hand on my wrist as I try to move past him. “Can you stop? Let’s discuss this like adults. You don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“That’s nice. That’s perfect, Justin. I don’t need your pity. I’m not your charity case. I was your girlfriend. The woman you said you wanted to marry.” I take my engagement ring off and fling it at him. He can give it to his skank. He stares at me open mouthed like a damn fish out of water. “You know what, before I got home today do you know where I was. Before I stopped to get your favorite from Roma’s. I was at a law office picking up my father’s ashes while you were twisting your knife in my back.”
His face pales and he swallows hard, rubbing a hand through his blond spiky hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Of course you didn’t. You know why you didn’t know? It’s because you were too caught up in your fling, but you know what…” I throw my hand out and make my way into the living room, scanning the shelves and walls. I look at the pictures of our life together realizing it was all just a lie and I don’t need any reminders. “It doesn’t matter because if you cared about me even a shred of the amount that I’ve loved you, you would have never cheated. You would have been honest with me. But you couldn’t because you can’t even be honest with yourself. Piece of advice. Quit your shit job that you hate and pursue your art. You no longer have a wedding to save for. You’re great at creating illusions.” I stab my keys down the canvas of the painting he did for me of the two of us. With that, I make my exit, picking up my shoulder bag containing my father’s ashes, and I walk out the door as Justin watches without a word.
I make it to my car without breaking down.
It isn’t until I have been driving aimlessly for an hour and stop to get gas that it all hits me.
That father I never knew is dead and gone. The boyfriend I have held with such high regard was nothing but a cheating snake.
I wouldn’t know a real man if he walked up and kissed me right now. But if I am being honest with myself my relationship with Justin has been dead for a long time. We grew apart two years ago when we had a pregnancy scare. If anything, I feel like I lost my best friend and that hurts the most.
I sit at the pumps and the tears keep threatening to fall but they don’t. Images of Justin’s betrayal play on a loop inside my head. Flickering from one image to the next. His mouth on his. Hot and needy. His fists in his hair. Strong and possessive, full of a passion he once felt for me. The food I had recently picked up from his favorite restaurant hitting the pavement and splattering on my shoes, much like my heart exploding in my chest.
Why couldn’t he have been honest with me? The fact that he went behind my back is what hurts more than the fact that he cheated. I loved him. I loved him more than myself and that’s a dangerous love. My mom warned me. Said it was why she could never be with my father. She loved him too much. She loved him enough to let him go. She walked away. Ripped our family apart because he didn’t love her enough.
I once asked her why she couldn’t love them both enough for me. She didn’t answer. She picked up her wine bottle and drank like she did every night.
I don’
t want that kind of regret.
I don’t want that heavy of a heart.
A substantial weight presses on my lungs as I relive the moment in my mind. Memories of what I assumed we had try to flood my thoughts.