Suicidal heart
Tell me another lie
My stomach begins to growl, and my hand is cramping from writing so much. I put my notebook away and make my way down to the kitchen. I missed dinner and the house is quiet. Everyone is probably already in bed. Tomorrow is live practice with the show’s stage band. Opening up the fridge I start pulling out stuff to make a grilled cheese. When I turn around Viola is sitting at the breakfast bar with a pack of crackers. I clutch my chest. “Jesus, you scared me,” I tell her.
“Sorry. I have been napping all evening after throwing up my lunch.”
“That sucks. I hope you aren’t coming down with something.” I offer her a weak smile and prepare my late-night snack. “Would you like one?” I ask, noticing her eyeing mine.
“Oh. No thanks.” She shakes her head. Something about her is oddly familiar, but I can’t place my finger on it. “Crackers seem to be the only thing I can eat these past few months.”
“That sucks and can’t be very filling,” I observe.
“You have no idea. I’m just under so much stress. I hope I can confide in you and it stay between us.”
“Yeah, sure.” I try to hide my shock. We don’t even know each other. I’m the last person she should be spilling secrets to.
“I’m pregnant,” she whispers.
“Oh. Okay. Well, congratulations.” I grab a bottled water and take a seat across from her at the bar. “You are happy, aren’t you?” She has this weird look on her face.
“I’m trying to be, but the father…we broke up, and things didn’t end well. He cheated on me and was a real jerk. I’ve not told him about the baby. I want to, but I’m not sure how he will handle the news.”
“I’m sorry. That must be hard. Maybe if you reach out and try to talk to him, I’m sure he’ll be reasonable,” I suggest. I don’t know what to do here. I have no experience in this department aside from my miscarriage. And there is no way I am talking to this chick about that time in my life.
“I don’t think so. He’s in love with someone else. He never got over his ex.”
“Well, you don’t have to be with him to co-parent.”
She sighs and gives me a look of pity which is odd since she is the one having trouble here. Not me. I mean yeah, I have my own problems, but she doesn’t know that.
“He won’t want this baby or me. But thanks for listening, it’s nice to tell someone.”
“I’m sure things will work out for you,” I lie. I know my words have no weight. Happy endings don’t exist.
**
Practice with the band went great and production was behind so that meant I was hurried out of the studio and away from Jameson. We still haven’t talked since our kiss outside of him giving me direction and pointers about my performance. My nerves are getting the best of me, this song I am singing for this next show is personal to me in so many ways for so many different reasons.
I’m third in the rotation tonight and can’t shake these damn jitters. The first episode is airing tonight while this one is being taped. Rebecca is on the stage right now and she’s doing so good. Gwen is her coach and they seem to work well together. I can already tell a difference in her stage presence. I could use some work in that area myself. I’m not used to an audience when I sing. It makes it even harder that my body and mind immediately fixate on Jameson every time, because he used to be my safety net. This song tonight doesn’t help, but he needs to know exactly how I feel about him. He can’t just go around kissing me because it feels good. God does it feel good to kiss that man.
Before I know it, it’s my turn to perform. I walk out onto the stage and grip the microphone tightly. So much so my fingers are red and aching. I close my eyes as the melody begins to play. It has a bluesy tune. My voice comes out hoarser than I intend for it to, but my damn emotions are getting to me. Stupid Jameson. Damn him and damn my heart for still loving him.
Tears burn in my eyes as I belt out my feelings. Jameson locks eyes with me. I changed the song with the band last minute. I can’t tell what he thinks, but I don’t care. The words are about him, but this is for me and the chains he keeps me wrapped up in. I need to break free.
You spread your love like a fire babe
You do it sooo easily
Three little words couldn’t mean less
Cut me a little deeper, babe
Burn me a little hotter now
Just say the words and…
Lie to meee