Luck is a very thin wire between survival and disaster, and not many people can keep their balance on it. -Hunter S. Thompson
Fiona
Groaning and stretching, I scrub my hands over my eyes, still crusted with last night's makeup.
I often wonder if I pissed on a leprechaun's rainbow at some point in my life. Every day it seems I am down on my knees begging luck for mercy. Have you ever met someone who appeared to have a black cloud hanging over their head? That would be me—Fiona.
In the kitchen, my coffee pot is ready and waiting but isn't producing my life juice...my caffeine. Flipping the top open, peering at the filter, my beans sit patiently waiting to be brewed. I flip the power off and on a few times before giving up and straggling to the shower.
In the bathroom, I realize that not only is there no hot water, but I don’t have any electricity either.
“Son of a bitch!” I shout, as I bang my palm against the wall a bit too roughly as tears prick in my eyes.
Throwing on what I hope are clean clothes, I make my way downstairs to the tenant parking. I start out the door when I spot Bill, the building super, getting in his truck. I lurk a few minutes in the breezeway, avoiding him. I’m a week late on rent. I know he will toss me out on my ass any day now. I don’t know what in the hell I’m going to do. I don’t have parents who I can call for help. My mom struggles to get by as it is back home in Kentucky. She works two jobs to take care of my younger siblings, Eva and Evan. Eva is in ninth grade and Evan is graduating this year. He’s going places. He was awarded a full scholarship to Ohio State for the wrestling program. He maintains a 4.0 GPA and works part-time at Taco Bell.
Eva though, that kid has issues. She’s manic depressive and always running away. I wish I could do more for them and help mom out with them, but that was the whole point of moving to New York to start with. I went to the city for a better education and a higher paying job.
I snort at the thought as I walk across the small parking lot to my rusted gold Plymouth Horizon; it’s a better life all right. I’ll be lucky to get another three months out of the damn thing. Though I must admit, Stella has been good to me. Yes, I named her Stella. Don’t judge me.
The seat squeaks as I get in. Patting the steering wheel lovingly, I coax her, “Come on, girl, don’t let me down.”
Sticking the key in the ignition, I turn it and nothing happens. Taking a deep breath and trying to keep my cool, I reason with her once more, “Alright, Stella. I know I’ve been rough on ya, girl, but I really need you to get it together.”
I crank the engine; she’s dead. Smacking the wheel, I cry, “Damn it Stella! You fucking whore! I’ve got shit to do today!”
Getting out and raising the hood, I discover her problem. Someone stole my battery! “Are you shitting me, Life? What did I ever do to you? What!” I scream, kicking Stella in full panic mode. I don’t have the money for a new battery and filing a police report in my neighborhood…forget about it. Devlyn begged me not to move into the area, but I had no choice. The rent was cheap, and I could afford it when I was still working.
And there was Chase. He talked me into moving him in with me. What a disaster that turned out to be. Shaking my head, I focus on the task at hand—getting away from there before Bill returns.
I’ll call Dev if my cell isn’t dead or shut off for non-payment. As I dig in my purse for my phone I remember it is his first day at his new job. He got a huge promotion. If I had cable or the electric to watch it, I’d possibly see his face broadcasted from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade tomorrow morning.
He’s the newest member of the Elite Emergency Services Unit and will be working the parade.
I’m so proud of him. He’s having a get together at his new apartment tonight to celebrate.
Devlyn has been coming to my rescue for years. I won’t ruin his first day. I start trekking to the bus stop. Thankfully, my phone isn’t dead, and I shoot April a quick text, asking if she can nab me from the station. I bought Dev a new coffee mug to celebrate his promotion and plan to drop it off to him. It reads: I like big bust and I cannot lie.
When we were in college, the three of us became fast friends over a love of the library and a mutual hate of country music. April was my roommate and I had known her forever, so calling her my best friend is an understatement; she is more like my sister. I wouldn’t have made it in the city without her. She was responsible for me meeting Devlyn; he was one of her boyfriend’s roommates, and we all went out together a lot.
Dev and I could go out to clubs, the movies or wherever without our relationship being awkward or feeling like a date. April always had a boyfriend, so it was up to him to be my companion everywhere. We were simply two friends having a good time. Then, as our friendship progressed, his feelings for me evolved into more. I do love him, but not in the way lovers did or should. Really, he’s too good for me.
Despite him knowing my strong feelings on the subject of us giving the whole dating thing a try after many failed relationships, he pushed, and I caved under the pressure and a broken heart. Chase had cheated on me and I had recently found out. I gave in and went on a real date with him—Dev. I was so nervous; I took three
shots before he came to escort me to dinner. I rarely drank at the time; I had never been a heavy drinker. I knew better, but I was so afraid he would kiss me, and I would or wouldn't feel something, and that it would change the dynamic of our once carefree friendship.
I was right—everything changed that night. Once we arrived at the restaurant, he ordered an expensive wine, and I kept consuming it, needing liquid courage to function. I was sloppy drunk, and by the end of dinner so was he. I often thought it may have been his plan all along—thinking I would be too drunk to care. The truth is I was, and whether or not he planned the night that way, we slept together. He wasn't a bad lover. Dev was sweet and attentive. He showed me how a man should love a woman.
Everything was about pleasing me. Every kiss, touch, bite, scratch was all for me. It started off magically. His mouth was sweet agony, the way he teased my clit, sucking and humming against my sensitive bundle of nerves…sated bliss. Things didn’t go south until, I started to ride him. When I looked into his eyes, I felt the love he had for me and my guilt kicked into overdrive. I used Dev to get back at Chase and he deserved better.
If we both hadn't been drunk, maybe we could have shared something beautiful, but the night ended with me puking on his bed.
He didn't even care. He put me in the shower and cleaned up after me.
See…perfect, but no butterflies. No heat. No burning desire—at least not on my end. At least that was the lie I told myself. I had to protect my heart. Chase broke me. He cut me to the bone. I wasn’t over that and Dev deserved so much better than me—the disaster.