It doesn’t matter
which page I turn to; his name is written here. The last entry is from the night I broke his heart.
Dear Diary,
I can’t believe I was able to go through with my plan. I broke Brian’s heart along with my own in the process. My life will not be the same without him. He is all I have ever known. I have lost my one and only love, my best friend, the other half that keeps me whole. I hope one day we can find each other again.
Yours truly,
Aria
The tears I cried that night still stain the paper. You can still see where my tears blotted the ink. I look out my window, and I am taken back to that night. I can hear his screams as he pounds against my front door begging me to say I’m sorry, and I didn’t mean any of it. I didn’t want to mean it. His behavior that night was a perfect example of what I never wanted for Jace, or myself, no matter how much I loved him.
I am broken from my thoughts by the sound of Jace’s tiny footsteps hitting the stairs and coming down the hall in search of me. Closing my diary, I toss it to the side, and I scoop Jace up in my arms. I squeeze him tight and we rejoin the guys downstairs.
Chapter Seventeen
The time we get to spend with my dad isn’t nearly enough. My daddy sends Tyler and Jace to town to grab us all breakfast. I suspect that he wants to have a talk with me when he asks that I join him at the table. Taking my seat, I pray he doesn’t want to talk to me about Brian. “So, you and this Tyler guy, are ya serious about him?” His eyes narrow on me over the brim of his mug as he takes a drink of his black coffee.
“I care for him a lot, and he is really good with Jace.”
“Just be careful, you have been through a lot in a short period of time, and I would hate to see you rushing into something when you’re not thinking straight.”
“Yeah daddy, I know.”
He gives me a reassuring squeeze to my hands. “Not saying he’s not good enough, but take your time.”
“I’m trying,” I tell him knowing that I’m jumping in feet first and fast.
Jace and Tyler return shortly after I start getting dressed.
I am stuck in an internal debate. Do I leave Jace here, with my dad during the service, or should I take him with me in attempt to make peace with Brian’s family? Time to decide is running out. I sit Jace down and talk to him about where I am going.
“Baby, today is a special day. Do you remember the picture book mommy showed you of the boy who loved ball as much as you do?” He nods his head like he is paying attention to my words. “Well, he has gone to be an angel like Mam Mam. He was a very special friend of mommy's. And I would like you to go say goodbye to him with me. But, if you go, I am going to need you to not be scared and be on your very best behavior. Do you think you can do that for mommy?”
“I’ll be good,” he promises with a smile.
Tyler is so sweet helping me get Jace ready. He even shows him how to knot his tie. I even see my dad taking notice of how good Tyler is with my son. He gives me a nod of approval.
I kiss my daddy on the cheek while Tyler puts our bags in the car. Since Jace is going with us, there isn’t a need to make an extra trip back before we go to the airport. Dad shakes hands with Tyler one last time and makes him give his word that he will take care of Jace and me.
They are holding the funeral inside the local civic center due to the high volume of people they expect to attend. The burial is closed to only family. As we walk inside, I feel a panic attack coming on. I have to stop to catch my breath. There are thousands of fans here to show their support and celebrate Brian’s life along with his teammates, friends, and family.
Being here makes it real, and it truly sinks in that Brian is gone. I grab Tyler’s hand. “I don’t think I can do this.” My hands are shaky and my knees feel weak.
“You can and you will sugar, for Jace and the man you once loved” Tyler assures me supporting me fully. He didn’t have to come here and do this with me, but I love that he’s here for me and Jace.
I look at the brave face my little man is wearing, and I straighten my spine up. Today is for Brian and Jace. It isn’t about me and my fear or my guilt.
They are having everyone walk through in lines to view his casket. His family had it custom made. I heard my dad talking to Tyler about it while I was getting dressed this morning. It is team red. He called it the Cadillac of caskets. Brian’s parents and his older brother are seated beside the casket in a row.
It is our turn to view him and offer our condolences to the family. Tyler is behind me holding Jace. I look down at Brian lying there motionless in his uniform, and I can’t bear the pain as it courses through my veins. It takes hold of me and brings me to my knees. Then all hell breaks loose. Mrs. Case locks eyes with me. She stands from her seat. I think she’s coming to comfort me but she raises a hand to smack me. “You bitch!” She screams at me. Right when her hand should connect with my face she suddenly stops. Her gaze is now transfixed on Jace. She walks past me to Tyler.
“He looks just like his daddy. Oh, God, it’s true,” she cries.
The different outbursts taking place around him causes Jace to be scared and he starts to cry and shake.
“I’m so sorry,” I choke out to her. She takes me in her arms and says the last thing I expect to hear from her mouth. “Thank you for giving me a piece of my boy to hold on to.”