“You are forgetting that you have an amazing husband who will stand by you, and your decision whatever it may be.” Tiffany offers to go to my appointment with me and drive me to the airport afterwards. I am so grateful to have her support during this difficult time. Thinking about having a child should be exciting. Instead I am dreading those words—congratulations you are going to be a mom.
I nervously await the results as the technician dips the stick in my urine. After an agonizing few minutes I hear the words I am dreading. “Well the test doesn’t lie. Congrats you’re going to be a mom.”
I can’t stop the tears. I want to die right now and that makes me a horrible person. If this baby is Parker’s I’m not sure that I can live with myself.
The doctor comes in to talk with me and after going over my information she estimates that I am twelve to fourteen weeks and my biggest fear is confirmed this child could belong to either Royce or Parker. Tiffany squeezes my hand and tries to reassure me that the baby belongs to my husband. But I have this sinking feeling she is wrong.
After a few hugs and a really good cry my friend leaves me at the airport so I can leave Las Vegas, and travel home to my husband who is eagerly awaiting my return. I don’t know how to tell him. Will he leave me? This will devastate him. My truth is killing me…
**
Royce
My life steps off the escalator and my world is right again. I know she was only gone nearly two days, but it feels like it has been weeks since I have kissed her mouth. She looks tired and I can tell something is on her mind.
She’s being so quiet. She’s scaring me.
“Hey, you okay?” I brush her red hair behind her ear.
“’Just tired and overwhelmed from being in Vegas. I’m better now that I am here with you. I don’t like being away from you,” she coos against my lips, kissing me softly but guarded.
Brandi must forget that I can tell when someone is lying to me, but I figure she will tell me once she is ready. We agreed not to keep secrets so it hurts that she doesn’t feel ready to confide in me.
I drive her home and we ride in silence. She seems to be in deep thought, and having some sort of internal debate within herself. She has started to speak, but stopped herself nearly five times.
Finally, I am exhausted with watching her struggle. “Just spit it out. Whatever it is I can handle it, and we will get through it together. I’m your husband. I need you to trust me.” I pull the car over at the beach and ask her to go for a walk with me.
Hand in hand we walk down the beach in silence aimlessly. Kids are splashing in the water with their dog. It’s a beautiful sight. Normally I would enjoy being here, seeing all the happy faces, but right now I am terrified that something has happened and I’m going to lose my wife.
Finally, she takes a deep breath. “I’m pregnant Royce.” She looks over at me and I stop dead in my tracks, and the sadness in her eyes breaks me. I thought she would be happy to tell me something so wonderful. I know it’s soon and we have been through a lot, but I want this with her.
“Why are you so sad about it? This is great news.” I grab her in my arms swinging her around, but she is shaking her head no.
“Not good Royce. I am a little over three months.”
She stares at me like she is waiting for me to connect the dots. I think for a moment and then it hits me, the words I seen on a poster that belonged to Kline when we were packing up his things, ‘history repeats itself because motherfuckers don’t listen.’ It registers that she is still waiting for me to say something. "You’re afraid the baby could be Parker’s aren’t you?”
I hate that he has touched my wife in the most intimate of ways, but I can’t change what’s already come to pass.
“Yes. I’m so scared Royce. I don’t want to lose you, but the thought this baby is his terrifies me. I don’t want to raise the child of a murderer. I can’t and I won’t.”
“So you won’t. It doesn’t matter to me. This baby is a blessing, and I will love him or her. I am the father. We don’t need any test to tell us that. I am your husband and I am the father,” he says again. “If you had an abortion could you live with yourself?” I swallow, thinking long and hard on that. It isn’t baby’s fault. He, or she didn’t ask for this, and I won’t take their life because I want to be selfish and know for sure that when we have a baby it belongs to me without a doubt. I’d never ask her to have an abortion.
“No, I couldn’t do that, but I don’t know Royce, if this baby is his—I don’t know how I will be able to love it.”
“You can and you will because this baby is a big part of you, sweet pea. This child will be raised with love by us. I don’t need to know whose DNA it has. This baby is mine because he or she is yours. Do you understand what I am telling you? I know this news is killing you. But we will get through it together. Be happy about this. We deserve to be happy.”
“Royce…” She buries her head in my chest as we stand and watch the sunset. I kiss her head and whisper to her all the things I love about her.
“You’re beautiful Brandi. No one has a bigger heart. I know you are going to be the best mom. I love that you are concerned that I wouldn’t support you, but I want this with you. So are you going to have my baby?”
“You are sure…this is a huge commitment Royce…”
“I married you didn’t I? I am surer now that I love you than I was the day I told you that one day my chest would bear the names of our children. Now let’s go home and celebrate.” I’d be a liar if I said that the thought of raising Parker’s child doesn't hurt, but I love Brandi enough that it doesn’t matter. We can get through this. We can survive anything. Together.
**
The conversation I just had with my husband went nothing like I thought it would. He took the news so well. I am freaking out. How can he be so calm? Does he really believe we will get through this? I know it is possible for this baby to belong to Royce just as much as it is possible for it to be Parker’s, and I guess if I tell myself enough that this baby is my husband's it makes it true.