A few hours later Chase and Jackson had completed their morning pancake feast and Chase said goodbye to us to go across the canal to Manzanilla in order to prepare the boat for our trip home.
Jackson was bummed to see his favorite playmate go, but quickly rebounded. “Mom, can we go snorkeling again?”
“Not right now, sweetheart. When Chase gets back in a couple of hours, we can all go fishing. How does that sound?”
“Okay!” he smiled and it near broke my heart.
“Listen, sweetie, there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Do you think we could maybe walk on the beach for a little while and talk?”
Jackson considered my offer and then nodded. He reached for my hand and I smiled as his little fingers slipped inside mine. We wandered slowly down the beach. At first, I let Jackson steer the conversation and exhaust his topics.
We talked about the boat, the birds on the shore, and about the puffer fish he saw swimming in his dreams the night before. When we’d gone about a mile down the beach, I stopped up at a cluster of boulders. “Hey, buddy, let’s take a little break. Your old mom is getting tired.”
Jackson laughed. “You’re not old, Mom!”
I smiled at him and helped boost him up onto the smallest of the three rocks. He sat down and stared at me expectantly. I glanced out at the soft lapping waves and took a moment to gather myself. I couldn’t break down in front of him. I needed to be strong.
“Jackson, honey, there’s something I need to tell you and it’s a very sad thing. Okay?”
He frowned. “What is it?”
My hands started to shake and I wrung them together in my lap, hoping Jackson wouldn’t notice. “Honey, there’s a reason we went on this trip away from home, without Dad.” I hesitated and fidgeted with my skirt. “Jackson, your dad passed away yesterday.”
I waited a beat for his reaction but his expression didn’t change. “Was he sick?” he asked, his brow furrowed.
“No, honey. He got hurt in an…accident.”
“And then what?”
“Then he died, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.” I gathered him to me as my own tears took over. At first I wasn’t sure if he understood me but then I felt his little shoulders shake and I knew he was crying to.
“I want to go home!” he wailed between body-wracking sobs. “I want to see Daddy!”
I smoothed his hair and struggled to get myself together. We cried together for a long time, Jackson intermittently repeating his request. I couldn’t speak around the lump in my throat.
“We’re going home, baby. I—I promise.”
Jackson cried and sniffled against my chest. I clung to him and waited for the worst of it to pass. Eventually, we got off the rocks and started back toward the house. He kept silent on the walk back and I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt his thoughts. I was probably the worst mother on the planet. I was so tangled up in my own despair and confusion that I couldn’t get out of my head long enough to help him.
When we rounded the corner and could see the cottage again, Chase was standing in the front yard. Jackson spotted him and burst into a sprint. “Chase! Chase!” He yelped and launched himself against Chase’s legs when he reached him. Chase immediately scooped him into his arms and Jackson clung tightly to him.
“I’m sorry, buddy. I’m so, so sorry,” Chase said, stroking Jackson’s shaking shoulders and back. His eyes met mine over Jackson’s head and I saw fresh tears glistening. I came up and embraced them both and we all stayed just like that for a while. I could only imagine the pain in my little boy’s heart—and that was what made me cry.
42
Chase
“How’s he doing?” I asked once Melissa came down the hallway from putting Jackson to bed.
Melissa stepped into the living room and looked over at me. A pang of sadness hit me in the gut at the red rims and bloodshot eyes looking back at me. “He cried himself to sleep.”
“Come here,” I said softly, reaching for her. She stepped into my open arms and collapsed against my chest, her own tears starting to fall again. I had never felt so helpless in my whole life. This went beyond any type of pain I’d ever experienced. To see firsthand the depths of Jackson’s pain, and then Melissa’s at watching her son fall apart.
I didn’t have words to say. At least none that could help, so I remained quiet as I held her and let her sob against me.
“I would do anything. Literally anything to take the hurt away from him,” she said between heart-wrenching sobs.
“I know. I would too.”
After Melissa broke the news to Jackson we had all cried on the shore in front of the cottage. Time passed by slowly and when we all collected ourselves enough to go inside, we sat around the table, picking at our food, and then I suggested we go fishing. Jackson agreed to go but in the end, I didn’t think it did much good. He was distracted and we didn’t catch a single fish. Melissa sat near him on the bank and tried to talk to him but he was shut down. Traumatized.