I was confused and hated myself for it.
But the longer he did his work, the clearer things became.
Pleasure had a way of erasing doubt. Pleasure could do that. He took me away from myself, ripped me from my life, from my body, and left me floating in an impossible swamp of pure carnal lust and heat and moans. His tongue was a lash, his fingers a piston, and I wanted them both, all the pain and the incredible pleasure, all of it.
“I need to hear you come,” he whispered as his fingers slid in and out. “I want you to whisper my name while I suck your clit and lick you in circles. Your taste makes me want to give up on life and do nothing but pleasure your pussy, my lovely little cunt. You look at me like you can’t decide between smothering me and fucking me, and I love that about you.”
“I want it both,” I said, arching my back with a gasp. “I hate you and I want to ride your cock until I scream.”
“It’s that contradiction you love.”
“No, you fucking asshole. It’s your tongue and fingers. What you can do with them. God, damn it, Kaspar.”
“It’s the space between hate and love, lust and fear. When you’re right in the center, everything’s possible. That’s where I want you to live, Penny.” He leaned closer, sinking his fingers deeper, and kissed me, biting my lip again. I tasted my pussy on his tongue.
“Stop talking and make me come, you bastard.”
He dropped between my legs and gave me what I wanted.
In bursts of fingers and lips and tongue. He licked and sucked and fucked. He whispered sweet, horrible, beautiful, filthy nothings, and I came on his mouth, that dirty mouth, that piece of shit monster, I hated him, hated him, god, hated him, and wanted him so badly it hurt. I wanted him to fuck me, to hold me down and get me off, over and over again. I wanted his worship, the way he watched me like I was the most fascinating thing in the world. I loved the attention, the adoration. He made me glow.
I was flat and dull before him.
Now I was a princess, his queen. His lust and obsession.
He was a monster. I liked it.
The orgasm passed and left me lying on my back, gasping for air. He kissed me, made me lick my own pussy from his lips, and whispered in my ear, “You taste like heaven, my love. Stay right in that space. Keep on hating me, but keep on thinking about what I can make you feel.”
Then he left. The door shut, and I was alone.
I curled up into a ball and pulled the covers over my half-naked body. I pulsed, my legs twitching slightly. I felt drunk and drained.
All from that man’s fingers and lips.
What else could he do, if I let him?
How much more did he have to give me?
The undying reverence.
The way he venerated me.
His ardor was a deep-sea chasm spewing molten rock.
I wanted to be destroyed by it.
15
Alice
Eight Years Ago
Blackwoods College
Penny stretched her legs and tilted her face up toward the sunshine. It was a rare sunny winter afternoon and though the ground was frozen, she insisted on sitting in the grass. “I miss nature,” she explained, which made no sense, because nature was literally everywhere.
But whatever. I had time to kill between classes and Penny was easy to be around. She smiled at me in that way she had—disarming and easygoing, like nothing bad could touch her.
I hated that confidence.
Life had always been easy for her. She didn’t know suffering; she didn’t understand hate and neglect. She existed in her little ivory tower, in her gilded mansion, with her perfect family, enjoying the fruits of their collective power and hoarding as much money and as many resources as possible, while the rest of us scrambled and fought like savages for a modicum of her comfort.
I despised what she represented.
We’re supposed to think the ability to accumulate money equates with intelligence. The smartest, best people are those that get rich. We live in a meritocracy: the best rise while the worst fall.
Success is a marker of virtue.
That was always bullshit.
Penny didn’t have money because she was a decent human. She had money because she was born into it. So many people were given everything at birth, and to pretend like we lived in an equal society was madness.
I was given nothing. I was born to nothing, and the only reason I had any opportunity at all was because of Maeve. I lucked into her—and I’d never forget that.
I hated Penny. And I loved her.
She was sweet, thoughtful, funny, kind, beautiful, and, yes, she was smart, too. Despite the million reasons to hate her stupid privileged guts, I found myself enjoying her company.